Thursday, 12 October 2017

Wanting it bad

Every few days I spend hours and hours just scrolling through the Teen Vogue website, thinking to myself, asking myself rather if I am good enough, can my writing skills be up there, will I ever scroll through and just below the title of a new article see my name in subtle small print.

Can I just say that ever since Elaine Welteroth had the Teen Vogue editor torch passed down to her, the content on there is far from bubble gum. It's no longer purely traditional teen content; boys, pop music, which lip gloss is sure to give you the most shimmer. Of course, these are the articles that give the magazine a light touch but she has done something that no Teen Vogue editor has ever done; besides being the first black Teen Vogue editor,(can I get an Amen for it's about time) she is talking about topical issues. She was more than vocal about who she was supporting in the US presidential election and in the aftermath, she doesn't shy away from asking cover stars where they were when the announcement was made and their sentiments about it, case in point Amandla Stenberg. Her team of writers does a fantastic job digging for that unique flare which in my opinion, for the past few years is non existent in a lot of editorials. You can only imagine the excitement I felt when I saw an article about one Mr. Jacob Banks whose voice is, stellar, I mean he gives you straight goose pimples, neck hairs standing on edge, the  whole shabang. I haven't felt this way about an artiste since Hozier.

Then there was this one article about this Congo born artiste who is just about a piece of living art himself, he had body art on his face, just a few months prior he was on the Colors, is a runway model and when he started talking about the Congo La Sape, I was sold, sold and did I say sold?

Clearly with pieces like this you can see how little old me can begin to feel just the least bit insecure about what I put out.

I started this blog with the intention of making it big like Biko and ThisIsEss. With every article I put out I was sure I was a step closer. I would post a whopping three times a week. I had conveniently started the blog during the break after I finished my one year diploma program, you better believe I had nothing but time on my hands and I basked in the glory of this advantage. I thought I was doing it right. First, I wrote poetry. For some reason I thought it would be terribly appealing to write just like Biko did, for the record those posts did not sound or read anything like his but believe me when I say I knew I was on my way.

At some point I even considered becoming a style blogger, not fashion but style just like Sharon.It was all the rage back then when I was super into ourstylekenya now justjoykendi, ThisIsEss. I figured, if they can do it surely, I can. Feeding off of how trendy it was at the time that was only bound to translate to more hits on my little web space. This was desperation at its optimum. Thankfully, we will never know.

Then, I read Stephen King's On Writing, wrote a review about it here and even shared some quotes on it.For a time I lived and breathed by that book. I was reading more to improve my writing and planning my posts. At some point, things were looking ever so good I even had scheduled posts. Saying it out loud, it almost sounds as if I am talking about an alternate universe.

When back-to-school came round, I was not going to allow even that to come in my way, I was on a trajectory and no hell or high water would come in my way. Quite frankly, my content was pretty bomb. This was a college blog, I mean it still is but back then I drew a whole lot of my inspo from the 'Tube which for some reason was all about tips and tricks about this that and the other. Desperate to start my own channel and without a single piece of equipment I figured why not put the content that I would put on my channel on here? Classic example of meeting myself half way.  I would even go the extra mile and  promo content on Pinterest and Google+ the only social media I wasn't self conscious sharing my posts on.

Eventually life caught up with me, turns out I underestimated how different it would be to juggle school, work and anything I did outside these two worlds. Regardless,I was still trying to keep my hobby? interest? passion? alive.

This is how I know that this writing thing is a thing, my thing, I can't shake it off. It' not a phase, at least I don't think it is.

Two months ago, is when I had my light bulb moment what Oprah has since dubbed,the aha-moment. Even though  I use the excuse that life caught up with me, did it? In retrospect,  I had to readjust in my life when it came to balancing this new world of school and work; whether it was laundry day, the days I have to do the dinner dishes, when and how I do school work I managed to fix it according to this new normal of mine. Yet, the greatest disservice I did to myself most of last year was put most of my writing on the back burner.Most, because, the i-don't-know-when-to-quit person in me wouldn't budge. I had and still have tonnes of papers with handwritten articles that would never see the light of a  screen's backlight.Each one, I thought would be different, this one was surely going to make the cut and make it on to the blog. Some did, most didn't.

Determined, I regrouped.  I binned this notion that I had to write it down on paper then type it out on screen. Besides being time consuming, it was a major buzzkill. So far, so good. Agree?

Now that I am back on the bandwagon and have been for a hot minute now I feel awfully entitled to a job in print media. And there have been signs; ads in the newspapers twice and on the internet all looking for writers in my demographic, collegiates. As the ads continue to roll I heed to their call. It feels like I have sent thousands of applications, my sent box would beg to differ, thousands is a tad on the higher side.

However, what set me off was my morning's daily devotion. So, Hezekiah was terminally ill when God sent Isaiah to tell him it was the end of the road, after crying hysterically he turned to the wall and cried out to God.Just like that, God added 15 years to his life. Besides, thinking that 15 years is a pretty precise amount of time, I have cried out to God and the response hasn't been as snappy as Hezekiah's. Given, I am no prophet neither have I served God unconditionally but still I deserve something, a response at least.

In the Christian world, there are three answers to your prayer; yes, no, wait. Maybe no responses isn't a no but just a wait. In the job market, no response means just that, no. I question myself constantly, is it my CV? Do I need a writing portfolio? How do I create a writing portfolio? Or am I after all not all that and the bag of chips that I have always thought myself to be? Is this God's subtle way of telling me this is not his plan for me? Get my grades up and then the blessings will come pouring down? More questions, yet, no answers.

Maybe I should put myself out there, but, no offense folks gratitude and appreciation  from y'all though heartily appreciated, will not get me the print job I want so bad. For a bunch of people it has but for me, three years this blog is about to clock and nada! I could just do it for the heck of it, see where it takes me, that could be the route intended while I am here yapping my mouth over a job in print. You know what maybe I will flood your timelines, well flood is pushing it, but a link for starters on Pinterest and Twitter could be a humble beginning and when I get a smart phone, posting the link in my bio and an Instastory just to get the word out.

For now, I will probably go harder on my applications with little tweaks here and there, seeing how those work for me, fighting the good fight on this blog right here and might I just say that it's been a pretty enjoyable ride so far and just keep doing the darned thing.It's all sure to pay off, whether in kind or in bills.

Have a good one!      

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