Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Working Girl Chronicles1: Why quitting isn't an option

Isn't it splendid that nearly every series over here always kicks off on the basis of a bad experience. This post should not and cannot be mistaken for a tell-all, neither is it a Debbie Downer. If anything it's the boost of energy that I, we, need every once in a while when you are down in the dumps.

It feels like ages ago what was only last week. There was this huge cloud of dark grey, almost black just hovering over me. Let's talk about office bullying , because that's what happpened. Rather, that is what is happening. I do not want to fall into the cycle of hurt people, hurt people. Do not get me wrong, I am hurt, there is a wide array of words that can describe the very feeling I have but today on a good day heartache and a constant , consistent supply of impending tears. I have allowed my self worth to be determined by other people's opinion of me, which predictably is not much.

The last quarter of this year carried so much hope and aspirations. Most of which I am glad to say I have been meeting. I have read my Bible everyday for the past two weeks just as I said I would in this post, prayed everyday, worked out, gone to the library of course not as much as I would like to but 'Booyah!' I am doing the damn thing.

Surely it's not getting better . Actually to my utter shock it seems like I am getting tougher. Coming from a place of absolute despair and shambles where nothing was a comfort. Not my Bible, not prayer, not pep talks from my dad or being told what I wanted to hear by my mom or my sister. I hope all those who have caused me to visit such a dark place , the darkest yet are giving themselves the much deserved pat on the back because lemme tell ya, y'all deserve it, you really do. It takes irreplaceable time and great efforts to come to a mutual decision to work against someone. Impeccable organizational skills, massive discreteness, numerous informal meetings to follow up on progress. Heck, you guys deserve to see results, there's nothing like seeing the fruits of your labour.

Then I started to appreciate the little things. School...of all things, my friends, in no particular order, Lyn,Leah, Lucia, Lorraine, Nora, Abed and anyone who put a smile on my face or got my mind of things. Yes, even the professor who dictated notes for 3 hours straight.

Bible readings that were a few days ago what I thought pure salty are now beginning to make sense, not all the way though. Of course I am still bitter, Philippians 4:4-9 telling me to rejoice in the Lord always yet I was in the valley of shadow of death or to enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart. Thanksgiving! My faith is not what it used to be, but I remain thankful for periods like these when I am exposed for what I truly am.

So, why isn't quitting an  option? Everything is a lesson, probably a long, hard tough lesson. The longer, harder, more painful and tougher the lesson, the tougher you become. I have got so much to live for;  school, graduation in a little over a year *Lawd*, friends, family, mad talent in me and all around me , humor, dreams and ambitions, experiences, goals. And, these just have to tide me through.

To get by or rather survive, two things, tolerance and indifference. By now I already have caught on that complaints are a waste of time with zilch action in the long run. It is my first job and if this is how things roll I might as well adapt, right. I have no time to reciprocate and play dirty neither do I have time to undermine their beings,I barely have time for myself. This is borderline depression and defeat, but if I don't feel it like I did before, is it really?

Have a good one!


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