January started out on the right foot. I left my four year part time front office stint to take a swing at this legal career. A few months ago, I wore anxiety like an accessory. Here I was, neck deep in bar exams, barely secured a pupilage position, overwhelmed balancing school and work. It was a lot, I was doing a lot and I lost myself in the whirlwind of it all not to mention the things and relationships I let fizzle out. Now, at this very moment, I think I have mastered steadiness. Not peace, not calm just an ease that I wasn't aware existed neither did I know I needed.
Before the work week begins, I set out the week's outfits and meal prep for my lunch. I have kept up with this for four weeks in a row. Take this information to the bank with you, there's a relief that comes with eliminating life's minuscule decisions.
Working out and eating healthy as much as I can help it, is slowly and surely becoming a lifestyle. My bank account is reaping the benefits of this conscious living I have set sail on. I fall asleep a lot faster and wake up faster as well. This could be due to lifestyle changes or its just an old case of my body adjusting to my new normal. I have a lot less aches, pains, swells than I used to which confirms the bitter truth, excess carbs are not it. But potatoes and sweeties will always be my first loves.
When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. My face is clearing up, I am hydrated and body wise certain areas look toned, borderline sculpted. I like how I feel.
If my Instagram is anything to go by, I am reading a lot more. I make use of my hour-plus commute and just lose thyself in the world of words and on most days these words give me the boost that I need to take on the day, pick me up after I feel beat-down but most times the next chapter is the only thing I have to look forward to. It's the simple things.
I have been reading my Bible a lot more choosing a devotional a week and just studying. I am learning a lot about myself which isn't all that pretty, confronting and addressing a great deal that has been shoved under the rag for far too long.
The lows.
Plain and simple. I need to put a cap on screen time before bed. A single Buzzfeed video and before I know it, I have tumbled headfirst into the Youtube rabbit hole. Valuable hours of sleep are being lost here. The only way out is winding down to some low-fi beats and a few pages of my current read on weeknights but on weekends, the night is young and it's all systems go baby!
In as much I am working out a lot more than I expected and have learnt to cut myself some slack when I get in my own head, I need to remind myself, 'mind over matter'. Suck it up instead of plopping myself on top of my bed and just let time slip right through my hold.
It is no secret that my relationships have bore the brunt of this school-work balance these past four years. I can't help but question, did I even try to make them work? Short answer, no. Now everyone is and has moved on, of course only when I am just about to get my footing right. Poetic, no? So where do I go from here? The logical approach. Appreciate the past and anticipate the future. Go places, put myself out there in the said places,start conversations, keep them going, speak when spoken to (my mom has been on the receiving end of what must it feel to talk to a wall, the wall being me) and rebuild from there.
Let's talk about money. I have had to take a massive pay cut. Even the smallest purchase plays a role in the big picture. I appreciate the fact that I am solely making conscious purchases but there's something about making that lone reckless purchase. It must be the adrenaline. I have really got to put my back into the little side gig I had going on, for necessity's sake.
Now that we are on the topic of side gigs, I think I put my finger on why I am so apprehensive on getting back to my hustle.There were a lot of moving parts to keep it all together, the inspections, pricing, staging, posting, the waiting let me tell you there's a lot of that, the dead stock and ultimately the disappointments. The only way out of this one, is through. Immerse myself in the processes, suck it up. If that does not work, the money or lack thereof will give me the tug I need.
A few days ago, I celebrated yet another trip around the sun. It was underwhelming to say the least. Turning a year older , at least this year has only pronounced one major concern,my non-existent love life. I have had many a conservation with myself and I have settled on a couple of solutions; a peek into my future allowed by God to see if the future has any prospects of a man there, if there isn't we move, stress free might I add convinced that in deed it is His plan and not my shortcomings. Seeing as to how, His voice isn't saying anything in particular neither has he sent a prophet or angel to my doorstep, we move, reluctantly this time. The thrill of being single is the possibility of an optimistic future, the downside, constantly thinking that I am the problem. I have got two options, quit while I am ahead which is what I am leaning towards FYI, or go for opportunities that present themselves. You stare, I say hey! The worst that could happen, suffer an L and I have had a fair share of those.
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