So, there's this guy...

It's not what you are thinking, I wish it were but it isn't. It was a Friday morning. Best day of the week and only a few hours before I could put the pedal to the metal on my much anticipated weekend.

There he was. I got in, having a banter with my colleagues he having a conversation with his colleague. We both glanced at each other. I walked past, he stood firm. I knew I know him from somewhere, but where.

Immediately my mind goes into overdrive. Same school? It couldn't have been primary school. I was in a class of 22 and I am sure I would know if his face belonged to one of the 22. It could not have been high school because all through, I have been to an all-girls school. However, his presence feels awfully dominant in that particular stage of my life. There's a high chance we go to the same church and saw each other at the same service every now and again. But then again, I could have seen him at one of the school bus stops. Or, it could be both.

Or he just looks awfully familiar.

Or he was just so good looking that my mind is begging to associate myself with him somehow.

Tall, dark, handsome with glasses. In the words of Saweetie that's my type.

So where do we go from here? If history is anything to go by, I'll never see him again. Just to shake things up, I'll probably see this cat again and just like before we'll glance at each other like we did before. If things do go a little crazy, one of us, probably him, will cave and say hi to the other of course only nonchalantly. Maybe we'll even say hi to each other at the same time and have a super awkward moment. But I am going to think that it's cute and hold on to every millisecond of that awkward moment and he, he won't think nothing of it.

For now, there's this guy and he will be just that. Just another guy.

HOBBIES

I have lost touch. That, or I have grown up,  and with growing up comes growing apart. I may have grown apart from a lot. I hate to admit it, but it...this, may have all been a phase. This blog, this space. Even I am having a hard time believing that. Maybe it's just one of those cases, you know, like riding your bike everyday after school and the older you get, you just don't have the time to do it anymore or you just gravitate towards other things like tv, music, responsibilities. So, you do it less and less until you don't do it anymore.

 

I am having trouble identifying who I am now. See, I have let a piece of paper define me. When I write on my resume on that hobbies section reading, that makes sense but writing, well, Houston we have a problem. 

Now, I got two options and lucky for me in these situations, those are the only options that are there. Completely jump ship or jump in like I never left. 

For the first time in years, I have time.Get this I can legitimately say, I have free time. If I want to scroll my free time away, I can, binge watch a series, I can and guess what,  for the past two days that is exactly what I have done. However, there's been this feeling that has just been gnawing at my very being. In the back of my mind, I know that blue tan I am getting is doing me more harm than good.  

But I am so out of touch with this whole writing shenanigan, hitting the restart button would just be the tip of the iceberg. I guess it is back to basics for me. Write about anything and everything. Write about Nairobi Traffic, my career, my style, the books I am reading, my thoughts, my music, my hopes and dreams, my fears. Anything and everything. It may be painful to put myself through this, it will probably even sting a little to read these articles back but I might as well get on with it. After all the traffic hitting this space is at an all time low which on the contrary takes a heck of a load off. 

Now that I have confronted this blank page, well, nearly it only goes to prove that if I minimize the distractions and just brush my fingertips across the keyboard one thing will lead to another and we will have another article on our hands.

See you on the other side! 

The LOVE Diaries

My whereabouts for the past year are besides the point. Let me set the scene, I am in my deliberately dimly lit room. There's clothes every wear, some laundry others, wares. I am fresh off of the the Twitter streets where for the umpteenth time J's has been cancelled. Its also the most wonderful time of the year on the interwebs, Vlogmas. Before I watch some of my favorite vloggers, I like to create a sense of anticipation if I may, not all the time, some times. On this occasion, Snoh Aalegra has just dropped a music video, I love Snoh. Michael B. Jordan is her love interest in the said video, I love Michael B. Jordan. I have a massive crush on Michael B. Jordan. I had a massive crush on Michael B. Jordan. Is this what heart break is?

It really isn't. If anything, my current make-my-heart-skip-a-beat crush is Sinqua Walls. It is safe to say, I will live.

I am now doing my evening skin care  routine. On this side of town, we observe the 30 second rule, nothing less. At this time, my mind wanders; why don't white braids on Karun look tacky? Yeah, I do look like Ryan Destiny (I don't)? I am a Ryan Destiny (no I am not) looking for her Keith Powers, an Amber Martin looking for her Donovan Burton.

I want first date jitters. I want to text throughout the day of where we will be meeting and when. I want to nervously pace my room looking for the perfect outfit. I want to talk non stop about this date. I want to think about what he is thinking. I want to give a status report to headquarters (my friends). I want to surprise. Thanks Hello Katy.

Yes, I have heard what the streets have to say. I come of as cold, steel, a shell inside but on nights like this, I am soft, mushy, a hopeless romantic.

Its not hormones or is it? I am coming of a high and that may have left me feeling to an extent entitled. I deserve to be wanted by someone who I want to want me.

But do I actually want these things? Or do I just like the idea of them?For a good chunk of time now I have been alone. Preoccupations have kept me from being lonely. It could be denial, the loneliness hovering, lingering, looming, maybe just plain ignorance. Why do I even want this?

The dim lighting and the warm covers are beginning to serve their purpose. I will be out like a light in no time. The assignment, why do I even want this?

Another one for the Jordan Year

So there I was with an E on my transcript. You hear about it, you see victims wandering campus, heck, you even see them laugh it off but never in a ga-zillion years did I think that I of all people would be confronted with the ugliness of it all. That was pretty much the first two weeks of 2018.

The first semester of my first year, at least what was left of it, given all the lecturer's strikes, I buckled down and put in the work. It wasn't all doom and gloom, while a majority of the senior student body were having a wild time writing their research paper, I had a silver lining around what was possibly a big, dark, grey academic cloud; a dutiful and available research supervisor. His name, Commissioner Lawrence Mute. I couldn't be more grateful for the support that I got especially when left, right and centre I would hear tales of rumored supervisors, never seen in the flesh, sent emails with not even an automated response back or plain and simply put difficult members of faculty.

My Jordan year was also the year that I was going to meet Miss EvelynFromTheInternets. I had just been watching her for just over a year on Youtube, following her on Instagram, subscribed to her mailing list,in a nutshell I was, still am, make no mistake, a fan who stans. When she made the announcement that she would be gracing the motherland with her presence I kept my ears pealed for the moment that she would announce a meet-up. Tell me why, literal hours before the big meet, I would be ridden with a flared up case of sinusitis, the worst part, I distinctly remember uttering the words, 'Nothing and no one will stop me from meeting Evelyn from the Internets'. How does the saying go again? We plan, God laughs. I bet I had Him in stitches.

Fast forward to February, everything was going just fine. It was the first week of Lent, usually the hardest, this one was going to take things a notch higher. I had this incident at work where I legit resigned. For obvious reasons, I will not go into the details but, being the firm believer that I am, of course I questioned why? Why did God let all that happen to me? For the most part I still do. However, all things work together for good,and the good in this, despite my dignity being kicked to the curb, let's just say that this little piggy is now hardcore, tougher than nails.

The highlight though, was writing my last exam. It was a Saturday evening when I walked through the gates of my neighbourhood listening to Migos Stir Fry. Did I have a smile on my face, possibly, you know a thug doesn't smile. A grin is the limit and when we are feeling special maybe a smirk but a toothy smile, never. But when I got into the crib,(who am I?) I. Was. Beaming. Sure, writing the last paper doesn't mean that you dip, far from it, in fact but it sure does make everything feel different, taste different, put a little prep in your step. There was just something in the air that evening. All the all nighters, which were a truckful that last semester, early morning classes, assignments were behind me.

Here I was with all this free time; I felt unstoppable. As it turns out feeling unstoppable and being unstoppable are two different things. I intended to fully immerse myself in the Nairobi night life. Not really but if there was a concert I wanted to go to, I could, why? I had the money and the time. Right? The first concert I intended on going for was Thrift Social where Oshun and Shekinah would be performing . Here I was, time, money but not even an ounce of energy to go. This went down the day after my last exam, it would be the symbol of my undone academic shackles, it also sounded very possible in my head three weeks prior. Needless to say, I instead settled for a Tuskys Combo meal and a Netflix binge session of On My Block under my covers.

I didn't disappoint myself all the way though. The next month I got to see Chronixx live in a night that could possibly be the best of my life.

This illusion of free time went down when my sister's wedding preparations were in full swing. The month of August, each weekend had one occasion or the other. Just when I thought I could relax and put my feet up, the preparations went up another notch. Bridesmaid fittings, fabric scavenging in the CBD, food tasting, family events. I was ready too call it, except as a bridesmaid you can't.

For the most part, though busy, things were going swell, swimmingly even.

Then, our grades were taking suspiciously long to come through and with a looming Kenya School of Law deadline we were getting worried. It was also around this time that the unit I failed and resat, my grade mysteriously went missing. Since I graduated only a few weeks ago, the spoiler is, the grade resurfaced alright, and I am just as confused as you as to how one minute there's no grade and the next its all smooth sailing.

Things were looking up. The graduation list dropped and  there I was, in a division that I did not intend to be in but I have since made hella peace with.  My sister getting married in a few hours, my grandfather set to be canonized. Did I say things were looking up? I mean we were all cloud nine surfing.

Then disaster struck, I got an abdominal infection on the eve of my sister's wedding. We were on the verge of losing one of my most favourite little people on the planet earth, my county governor had this 'bright idea' to ban PSVs in the CBD which saw me walk a whole 11 km just to get around in a single day and lost one of my favorite people on the planet earth. Grief hit me like a hit and run; fast and merciless.

I basically finished the year as it started, with a tonne of questions racking my brain, with no answers.

I turned 24 this past Saturday.

Have a good one!

Jordan Year Memoirs

Happy New Year!

No,   I am not on some new year new me mumbo jumbo. If you are, more power to you, what can I say, different strokes for different folks. I came to the riveting discovery that committing to something for 365 days? Not going to happen but if I break those days down into teeny tiny bite size pieces, of say a month or a few weeks at a time, we, are in business.

This is not one of those posts where I lay all my 2019 plans on a universal platter, there's a high chance that, that is coming soon though, instead, I choose to take a walk down memory lane of my Jordan year, the big 2-3.

The day before, 4th January, it's as  vivid as they come. I worked the morning shift that day,  I also thought that I would be able to do a business errand in the second half of the day. That didn't go quite as planned, regardless, it went and that is what ultimately matters. On this day, though the dreaded exam results notification came through. An exam sat in December 2016 which I  was 100% sure of dismal performance, dismal performance, certainly not a fail, surely not a fail. My anxiety was, well, it was up there, even that is an understatement. In my wisdom at the time, I decided not to ruin the eve of my birthday or worse, my birthday, of course I left having to look at the results until I absolutely had to.


I then came to the conclusion that I was being ridiculous, I needed to woman up, rip that band-aid off and confront my reality. Of course only in a controlled environment where I would feel warmth and love. Where is that you ask? Home  with a pack  of greasy fast food fries in tow. The plan was simple, I would get home, settle myself in , turn the t.v on to serve as white noise, a distraction, company. Just something to lessen the blow. And so the time came. The wi-fi back at home chose the opportune time to pull a fast one on me, what could have been a touch and go job was lengthened by having to buy data. Long story short, theatrics out of the window, my worst nightmare was my reality, sure as day, there it was, an E . A few days later, it finally hit me and I bawled my eyes out on the phone to my mom, only after binge watching Dear White People.

(I've decided to make this a series, fingers crossed I commit)

Have a good one!

Purpose

This evening I had a Mia Thermopolis moment. Let me explain.  Mia, for non-diehards of the Princess Diaries series is the princess of Genovia. She wasn't always a princess, she was your typical nerd, dork,whatever you may call her; she had that big poofy hair, thick framed glasses and named her Mustang, 'The Stang'. As you would expect she wasn't the most popular girl in high school, so much so, once while siting down to have her lunch, somebody sat on her. So besides being a dweeb she also was, invisible. So invisible in fact, she told her best friend Lilly, "Somebody sat on me again," this incident was borderline, a norm. I wouldn't describe myself as a nerd, dork or dweeb, neither would Mia,but tonight when waiting for my bus, the air humid and wet, I could feel the 4c hair on my scalp awaken  its inner frizz which only spells trouble come tomorrow mornng. Life isn't an all the way bust but it's getting there. Three very giddy folks decided to have a whole conversation not beside me, not behind but smack dab in front of me, complete with shrill laughter I am convinced that I might as well be her 2K18 update. Whatever happened to social cues? If that's too much to ask for, maybe let's scale down to good manners. Everyone has those right? However with each passing day I can't help but reel in the presence of my self awareness which has been on a recent come up. To get myself out of that uncomfortable situation I simply took a step to the side, and wham! no longer a problem .

On the real though, let's talk about purpose. I never can help but feel just a tad bit jealous of people who have it figured out. People who have sieved their wants from their don't wants and are tirelessly working towards their wants no matter the cost. See, today I had to troop my little self to school to follow up on some not so fun stuff. I met with a friend who was in the same shoes, probably even larger, but that is besides the point.

Now this individual is confident. So yeah, we all want to graduate and get out of this so-called world class institution, who doesn't?  But she couldn't be stressed over the elephant in the room, Kenya School of Law. Her resolve? She isn't going, its something she thinks she will do much later in her life.

At this point, you are probably thinking, so what? Well, hers is a resolve of purpose. She said she prayed to God for purpose and sure enough she can't help but sit firm and upright on her decision. Besides purpose she's married the drive that comes with that , throwing herself in to her newly found passion.

I can't help but wonder, at what point is God, at least in my life, going to bless me with a crystal clear sense of purpose? Has he already and now we are both posted up just waiting for me to take the plunge? Is there a period that I should have been praying for purpose, so that it struck just at the right time? When was this time? Shouldn't there have been some sorta grace period between the grand revelation that I simply don't enjoy this field and the  resolve? 

All this mental back forth just to amplify that I am still going to be that predictable human who will take the path that offers the widest safety net.

Thanks for listening!

Second thoughts

In true human narcissistic fashion I went through my own blog and wouldn't you know it, last year I had a whopping 38 blog posts go up. Ironically, that may have been when  I was at my busiest. I had assignments coming at me left, right and centre most, if not all  of them being group assignments which are always "double the fun",work, exams, sit-in tests. Life was a continuous ball of stress yet somehow I refused to go down without a fight. By somehow, I mean there were a bunch of unprecedented school breaks, code for, lecturers' strikes which had me sitting around with a lot of free time in my hands.

Fast forward to 2018, we sure are nowhere close to 38 posts, I don't even think we are in the double digits. Explanation? I had this grand post-fourth year plan; I would be writing every day, delve into the world of Youtube with a couple of hair related videos, possibly booktube, embark on a couple of crafts sewing, knitting,embroidery the whole nine yards. Now that I think about it, the free time that I had as a first year in university and the free time I have as a possible university graduate, though still ideally free time, could not be more different. For one, I now have a job and there just isn't as much leeway as I had once imagined. The long and short of it, I haven't been quite the spot I imagined I would be, possibly because I didn't factor in my new normal, plain and simple I am a self confessed lazy bone and for a scalding hot minute, nearly all my devotionals have had the verse,"Be still and know that I am God" which is, I don't know, God trying to get me to pump the breaks on my plans and have a little sit down with Him. It is getting a little hard to discern which voice is which, am I holding myself back  and masking it in all manner of excuses? Is there a greater purpose to this lull?

For now, I do know that for sure that this period of nothingness, dare I call it idleness is making me question a whole lot especially around the great career debacle.

It is safe to say that for a long time the legal world, at least to me lost its pizzazz, in fact I can hardly remember the last time that it had that je ne sais quoi, that thing that would make all the all-nighters, all the frustrating group assignments, all the hot afternoon lectures worth it. I started going through the motions sooner than I intended, as hard as it is to admit maybe this law degree was not written in the stars for me.

A great source of my drive was my grades, if they were good, I knew that even the Chief Justice had nothing on me, I was a power house. If they were bad and trust me, I have seen a fair share of bad grades I thought of throwing out the  whole damn degree, all of it. Mostly though, they have been mediocre, on the real, who aims for mediocrity in the first instance? On the flip side there are units that for sure, I knew I would come out on the other side with either a very strong E or by the mercies and graces of the Lord a D but have come out unscathed with a C. Worse still, I have been reduced to praying for Ds because just the thought of failing a single unit and having to restart from square one with course facilitators who are far from fine and dandy, is enough to have me laying prostrate on the ground begging for academic mercies.

So my passion is at an all time low, my grades are barely hanging in there, by my standards at least, the only legal experience I have is a two month compulsory stint at the law courts, could things be looking any worse? The answer is, well, yes.  If all goes according to plan and the first Friday of December sees me donning a cap and gown, then the obvious course of action is Kenya School of Law of course I am jumping the gun here. I first have to have all my results, then apply to Kenya School of Law, get accepted, then on February 4th it all begins again.

The reality is, my world is not going to shatter into a million little pieces if everything doesn't  go according to plan, don't  get me wrong now, graduation 2018 just has to happen and if everything else falls into plan ... I'll be a happy camper. However, everything else outside of my field of study couldn't be glistening any brighter and chile, 2018 is the year of shooting your shot, not only in the DMs but also on the career front. I am sending my resume to positions that spike my interest in Naija Twitter spirit,"Whatever e hit, e hit" though I have gotten nothing but auto-response emails, there's something liberating about non conformity, veering off the tarmac and roughing it. Of course there can only be one happy ending here anything outside of the positive will be heartbreak.

Only the course of time will tell,

Thanks for listening!