The LOVE Diaries

My whereabouts for the past year are besides the point. Let me set the scene, I am in my deliberately dimly lit room. There's clothes every wear, some laundry others, wares. I am fresh off of the the Twitter streets where for the umpteenth time J's has been cancelled. Its also the most wonderful time of the year on the interwebs, Vlogmas. Before I watch some of my favorite vloggers, I like to create a sense of anticipation if I may, not all the time, some times. On this occasion, Snoh Aalegra has just dropped a music video, I love Snoh. Michael B. Jordan is her love interest in the said video, I love Michael B. Jordan. I have a massive crush on Michael B. Jordan. I had a massive crush on Michael B. Jordan. Is this what heart break is?

It really isn't. If anything, my current make-my-heart-skip-a-beat crush is Sinqua Walls. It is safe to say, I will live.

I am now doing my evening skin care  routine. On this side of town, we observe the 30 second rule, nothing less. At this time, my mind wanders; why don't white braids on Karun look tacky? Yeah, I do look like Ryan Destiny (I don't)? I am a Ryan Destiny (no I am not) looking for her Keith Powers, an Amber Martin looking for her Donovan Burton.

I want first date jitters. I want to text throughout the day of where we will be meeting and when. I want to nervously pace my room looking for the perfect outfit. I want to talk non stop about this date. I want to think about what he is thinking. I want to give a status report to headquarters (my friends). I want to surprise. Thanks Hello Katy.

Yes, I have heard what the streets have to say. I come of as cold, steel, a shell inside but on nights like this, I am soft, mushy, a hopeless romantic.

Its not hormones or is it? I am coming of a high and that may have left me feeling to an extent entitled. I deserve to be wanted by someone who I want to want me.

But do I actually want these things? Or do I just like the idea of them?For a good chunk of time now I have been alone. Preoccupations have kept me from being lonely. It could be denial, the loneliness hovering, lingering, looming, maybe just plain ignorance. Why do I even want this?

The dim lighting and the warm covers are beginning to serve their purpose. I will be out like a light in no time. The assignment, why do I even want this?