JANUARY 2020 SELF AUDIT

I tend to start off any self reflection endeavor from the lows working my way up to the highlights. It really isn't a problem except I work my way through such a funk that I end up taking away the starring role that the highlights deserve. Today, that changes.

January started out on the right foot. I left my four year part time front office stint to take a swing at this legal career. A few months ago, I wore anxiety like an accessory. Here I was, neck deep in bar exams, barely secured a pupilage position, overwhelmed balancing school and work. It was a lot, I was doing a lot and I lost myself in the whirlwind of it all not to mention the things and relationships I let fizzle out. Now, at this very moment, I think I have mastered steadiness. Not peace, not calm just an ease that I wasn't aware existed neither did I know I needed.

Before the work week begins, I set out the week's outfits and meal prep for my lunch. I have kept up with this for four weeks in a row. Take this information to the bank with you, there's a relief that comes with eliminating life's minuscule decisions.

Working out and eating healthy as much as I can help it, is slowly and surely becoming a lifestyle. My bank account is reaping the benefits of this conscious living  I have set sail on. I fall asleep a lot faster and wake up faster as well. This could be due to lifestyle changes or its just an old case of my body adjusting to my new normal. I have a lot less aches, pains, swells than I used to which confirms the bitter truth, excess carbs are not it. But potatoes and sweeties will always be my first loves.

When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. My face is clearing up, I am hydrated and body wise certain areas look toned, borderline sculpted. I like how I feel.

If my Instagram is anything to go by, I am reading a lot more. I make use of my hour-plus commute and just lose thyself in the world of words and on most days these words give me the boost that I need to take on the day, pick me up after I feel beat-down but most times the next chapter is the only thing I have to look forward to. It's the simple things.

I have been reading my Bible a lot more choosing a devotional a week and just studying. I am learning a lot about myself which isn't all that pretty, confronting and addressing a great deal that has been shoved under the rag for far too long.

The lows.

Plain and simple. I need to put a cap on screen time before bed. A single Buzzfeed video and before I know it, I have tumbled headfirst into the Youtube rabbit hole. Valuable hours of sleep are being lost here. The only way out is winding down to some low-fi beats and a few pages of my current read on weeknights but on weekends, the night is young and it's all systems go baby!

In as much I am working out a lot more than I expected and have learnt to cut myself some slack when I get in my own head, I need to remind myself, 'mind over matter'. Suck it up instead of plopping myself on top of my bed and just let time slip right through my hold.

It is no secret that my relationships have bore the brunt of this school-work balance these past four years. I can't help but question, did I even try to make them work? Short answer, no. Now everyone is and has moved on, of course only when I am just about to get my footing right. Poetic, no? So where do I go from here? The logical approach. Appreciate the past and anticipate the future. Go places, put myself out there in the said places,start conversations, keep them going, speak when spoken to (my mom has been on the receiving end of what must it feel to talk to a wall, the wall being me) and rebuild from there.

Let's talk about money. I have had to take a massive pay cut. Even the smallest purchase plays a role in the big picture. I appreciate the fact that I am solely making conscious purchases but there's something about making that lone reckless purchase. It must be the adrenaline. I have really got to put my back into the little side gig I had going on, for necessity's sake.

Now that we are on the topic of side gigs, I think I put my finger on why I am so apprehensive on getting back to my hustle.There were a lot of moving parts to keep it all together, the inspections, pricing, staging, posting, the waiting let me tell you there's a lot of that, the dead stock and ultimately the disappointments. The only way out of this one, is through. Immerse myself in the processes, suck it up. If that does not work, the money or lack thereof will give me the tug I need.

A few days ago, I celebrated yet another trip around the sun. It was  underwhelming to say the least. Turning a year older , at least this year has only pronounced one major concern,my non-existent love life. I have had many a conservation with myself and I have settled on a couple of solutions; a peek into my future allowed by God to see if the future has any prospects of a man there, if there isn't we move, stress free might I add convinced that in deed it is His plan and not my shortcomings. Seeing as to how, His voice isn't saying anything in particular neither has he sent a prophet or angel to my doorstep, we move, reluctantly this time. The thrill of being single is the possibility of an optimistic future, the downside, constantly thinking that I am the problem. I have got two options, quit while I am ahead which is what I am leaning towards FYI, or go for opportunities that present themselves. You stare, I say hey! The worst that could happen, suffer an L and I have had a fair share of those.

So, there's this guy...

It's not what you are thinking, I wish it were but it isn't. It was a Friday morning. Best day of the week and only a few hours before I could put the pedal to the metal on my much anticipated weekend.

There he was. I got in, having a banter with my colleagues he having a conversation with his colleague. We both glanced at each other. I walked past, he stood firm. I knew I know him from somewhere, but where.

Immediately my mind goes into overdrive. Same school? It couldn't have been primary school. I was in a class of 22 and I am sure I would know if his face belonged to one of the 22. It could not have been high school because all through, I have been to an all-girls school. However, his presence feels awfully dominant in that particular stage of my life. There's a high chance we go to the same church and saw each other at the same service every now and again. But then again, I could have seen him at one of the school bus stops. Or, it could be both.

Or he just looks awfully familiar.

Or he was just so good looking that my mind is begging to associate myself with him somehow.

Tall, dark, handsome with glasses. In the words of Saweetie that's my type.

So where do we go from here? If history is anything to go by, I'll never see him again. Just to shake things up, I'll probably see this cat again and just like before we'll glance at each other like we did before. If things do go a little crazy, one of us, probably him, will cave and say hi to the other of course only nonchalantly. Maybe we'll even say hi to each other at the same time and have a super awkward moment. But I am going to think that it's cute and hold on to every millisecond of that awkward moment and he, he won't think nothing of it.

For now, there's this guy and he will be just that. Just another guy.

HOBBIES

I have lost touch. That, or I have grown up,  and with growing up comes growing apart. I may have grown apart from a lot. I hate to admit it, but it...this, may have all been a phase. This blog, this space. Even I am having a hard time believing that. Maybe it's just one of those cases, you know, like riding your bike everyday after school and the older you get, you just don't have the time to do it anymore or you just gravitate towards other things like tv, music, responsibilities. So, you do it less and less until you don't do it anymore.

 

I am having trouble identifying who I am now. See, I have let a piece of paper define me. When I write on my resume on that hobbies section reading, that makes sense but writing, well, Houston we have a problem. 

Now, I got two options and lucky for me in these situations, those are the only options that are there. Completely jump ship or jump in like I never left. 

For the first time in years, I have time.Get this I can legitimately say, I have free time. If I want to scroll my free time away, I can, binge watch a series, I can and guess what,  for the past two days that is exactly what I have done. However, there's been this feeling that has just been gnawing at my very being. In the back of my mind, I know that blue tan I am getting is doing me more harm than good.  

But I am so out of touch with this whole writing shenanigan, hitting the restart button would just be the tip of the iceberg. I guess it is back to basics for me. Write about anything and everything. Write about Nairobi Traffic, my career, my style, the books I am reading, my thoughts, my music, my hopes and dreams, my fears. Anything and everything. It may be painful to put myself through this, it will probably even sting a little to read these articles back but I might as well get on with it. After all the traffic hitting this space is at an all time low which on the contrary takes a heck of a load off. 

Now that I have confronted this blank page, well, nearly it only goes to prove that if I minimize the distractions and just brush my fingertips across the keyboard one thing will lead to another and we will have another article on our hands.

See you on the other side! 

The LOVE Diaries

My whereabouts for the past year are besides the point. Let me set the scene, I am in my deliberately dimly lit room. There's clothes every wear, some laundry others, wares. I am fresh off of the the Twitter streets where for the umpteenth time J's has been cancelled. Its also the most wonderful time of the year on the interwebs, Vlogmas. Before I watch some of my favorite vloggers, I like to create a sense of anticipation if I may, not all the time, some times. On this occasion, Snoh Aalegra has just dropped a music video, I love Snoh. Michael B. Jordan is her love interest in the said video, I love Michael B. Jordan. I have a massive crush on Michael B. Jordan. I had a massive crush on Michael B. Jordan. Is this what heart break is?

It really isn't. If anything, my current make-my-heart-skip-a-beat crush is Sinqua Walls. It is safe to say, I will live.

I am now doing my evening skin care  routine. On this side of town, we observe the 30 second rule, nothing less. At this time, my mind wanders; why don't white braids on Karun look tacky? Yeah, I do look like Ryan Destiny (I don't)? I am a Ryan Destiny (no I am not) looking for her Keith Powers, an Amber Martin looking for her Donovan Burton.

I want first date jitters. I want to text throughout the day of where we will be meeting and when. I want to nervously pace my room looking for the perfect outfit. I want to talk non stop about this date. I want to think about what he is thinking. I want to give a status report to headquarters (my friends). I want to surprise. Thanks Hello Katy.

Yes, I have heard what the streets have to say. I come of as cold, steel, a shell inside but on nights like this, I am soft, mushy, a hopeless romantic.

Its not hormones or is it? I am coming of a high and that may have left me feeling to an extent entitled. I deserve to be wanted by someone who I want to want me.

But do I actually want these things? Or do I just like the idea of them?For a good chunk of time now I have been alone. Preoccupations have kept me from being lonely. It could be denial, the loneliness hovering, lingering, looming, maybe just plain ignorance. Why do I even want this?

The dim lighting and the warm covers are beginning to serve their purpose. I will be out like a light in no time. The assignment, why do I even want this?

Another one for the Jordan Year

So there I was with an E on my transcript. You hear about it, you see victims wandering campus, heck, you even see them laugh it off but never in a ga-zillion years did I think that I of all people would be confronted with the ugliness of it all. That was pretty much the first two weeks of 2018.

The first semester of my first year, at least what was left of it, given all the lecturer's strikes, I buckled down and put in the work. It wasn't all doom and gloom, while a majority of the senior student body were having a wild time writing their research paper, I had a silver lining around what was possibly a big, dark, grey academic cloud; a dutiful and available research supervisor. His name, Commissioner Lawrence Mute. I couldn't be more grateful for the support that I got especially when left, right and centre I would hear tales of rumored supervisors, never seen in the flesh, sent emails with not even an automated response back or plain and simply put difficult members of faculty.

My Jordan year was also the year that I was going to meet Miss EvelynFromTheInternets. I had just been watching her for just over a year on Youtube, following her on Instagram, subscribed to her mailing list,in a nutshell I was, still am, make no mistake, a fan who stans. When she made the announcement that she would be gracing the motherland with her presence I kept my ears pealed for the moment that she would announce a meet-up. Tell me why, literal hours before the big meet, I would be ridden with a flared up case of sinusitis, the worst part, I distinctly remember uttering the words, 'Nothing and no one will stop me from meeting Evelyn from the Internets'. How does the saying go again? We plan, God laughs. I bet I had Him in stitches.

Fast forward to February, everything was going just fine. It was the first week of Lent, usually the hardest, this one was going to take things a notch higher. I had this incident at work where I legit resigned. For obvious reasons, I will not go into the details but, being the firm believer that I am, of course I questioned why? Why did God let all that happen to me? For the most part I still do. However, all things work together for good,and the good in this, despite my dignity being kicked to the curb, let's just say that this little piggy is now hardcore, tougher than nails.

The highlight though, was writing my last exam. It was a Saturday evening when I walked through the gates of my neighbourhood listening to Migos Stir Fry. Did I have a smile on my face, possibly, you know a thug doesn't smile. A grin is the limit and when we are feeling special maybe a smirk but a toothy smile, never. But when I got into the crib,(who am I?) I. Was. Beaming. Sure, writing the last paper doesn't mean that you dip, far from it, in fact but it sure does make everything feel different, taste different, put a little prep in your step. There was just something in the air that evening. All the all nighters, which were a truckful that last semester, early morning classes, assignments were behind me.

Here I was with all this free time; I felt unstoppable. As it turns out feeling unstoppable and being unstoppable are two different things. I intended to fully immerse myself in the Nairobi night life. Not really but if there was a concert I wanted to go to, I could, why? I had the money and the time. Right? The first concert I intended on going for was Thrift Social where Oshun and Shekinah would be performing . Here I was, time, money but not even an ounce of energy to go. This went down the day after my last exam, it would be the symbol of my undone academic shackles, it also sounded very possible in my head three weeks prior. Needless to say, I instead settled for a Tuskys Combo meal and a Netflix binge session of On My Block under my covers.

I didn't disappoint myself all the way though. The next month I got to see Chronixx live in a night that could possibly be the best of my life.

This illusion of free time went down when my sister's wedding preparations were in full swing. The month of August, each weekend had one occasion or the other. Just when I thought I could relax and put my feet up, the preparations went up another notch. Bridesmaid fittings, fabric scavenging in the CBD, food tasting, family events. I was ready too call it, except as a bridesmaid you can't.

For the most part, though busy, things were going swell, swimmingly even.

Then, our grades were taking suspiciously long to come through and with a looming Kenya School of Law deadline we were getting worried. It was also around this time that the unit I failed and resat, my grade mysteriously went missing. Since I graduated only a few weeks ago, the spoiler is, the grade resurfaced alright, and I am just as confused as you as to how one minute there's no grade and the next its all smooth sailing.

Things were looking up. The graduation list dropped and  there I was, in a division that I did not intend to be in but I have since made hella peace with.  My sister getting married in a few hours, my grandfather set to be canonized. Did I say things were looking up? I mean we were all cloud nine surfing.

Then disaster struck, I got an abdominal infection on the eve of my sister's wedding. We were on the verge of losing one of my most favourite little people on the planet earth, my county governor had this 'bright idea' to ban PSVs in the CBD which saw me walk a whole 11 km just to get around in a single day and lost one of my favorite people on the planet earth. Grief hit me like a hit and run; fast and merciless.

I basically finished the year as it started, with a tonne of questions racking my brain, with no answers.

I turned 24 this past Saturday.

Have a good one!

Jordan Year Memoirs

Happy New Year!

No,   I am not on some new year new me mumbo jumbo. If you are, more power to you, what can I say, different strokes for different folks. I came to the riveting discovery that committing to something for 365 days? Not going to happen but if I break those days down into teeny tiny bite size pieces, of say a month or a few weeks at a time, we, are in business.

This is not one of those posts where I lay all my 2019 plans on a universal platter, there's a high chance that, that is coming soon though, instead, I choose to take a walk down memory lane of my Jordan year, the big 2-3.

The day before, 4th January, it's as  vivid as they come. I worked the morning shift that day,  I also thought that I would be able to do a business errand in the second half of the day. That didn't go quite as planned, regardless, it went and that is what ultimately matters. On this day, though the dreaded exam results notification came through. An exam sat in December 2016 which I  was 100% sure of dismal performance, dismal performance, certainly not a fail, surely not a fail. My anxiety was, well, it was up there, even that is an understatement. In my wisdom at the time, I decided not to ruin the eve of my birthday or worse, my birthday, of course I left having to look at the results until I absolutely had to.


I then came to the conclusion that I was being ridiculous, I needed to woman up, rip that band-aid off and confront my reality. Of course only in a controlled environment where I would feel warmth and love. Where is that you ask? Home  with a pack  of greasy fast food fries in tow. The plan was simple, I would get home, settle myself in , turn the t.v on to serve as white noise, a distraction, company. Just something to lessen the blow. And so the time came. The wi-fi back at home chose the opportune time to pull a fast one on me, what could have been a touch and go job was lengthened by having to buy data. Long story short, theatrics out of the window, my worst nightmare was my reality, sure as day, there it was, an E . A few days later, it finally hit me and I bawled my eyes out on the phone to my mom, only after binge watching Dear White People.

(I've decided to make this a series, fingers crossed I commit)

Have a good one!

Purpose

This evening I had a Mia Thermopolis moment. Let me explain.  Mia, for non-diehards of the Princess Diaries series is the princess of Genovia. She wasn't always a princess, she was your typical nerd, dork,whatever you may call her; she had that big poofy hair, thick framed glasses and named her Mustang, 'The Stang'. As you would expect she wasn't the most popular girl in high school, so much so, once while siting down to have her lunch, somebody sat on her. So besides being a dweeb she also was, invisible. So invisible in fact, she told her best friend Lilly, "Somebody sat on me again," this incident was borderline, a norm. I wouldn't describe myself as a nerd, dork or dweeb, neither would Mia,but tonight when waiting for my bus, the air humid and wet, I could feel the 4c hair on my scalp awaken  its inner frizz which only spells trouble come tomorrow mornng. Life isn't an all the way bust but it's getting there. Three very giddy folks decided to have a whole conversation not beside me, not behind but smack dab in front of me, complete with shrill laughter I am convinced that I might as well be her 2K18 update. Whatever happened to social cues? If that's too much to ask for, maybe let's scale down to good manners. Everyone has those right? However with each passing day I can't help but reel in the presence of my self awareness which has been on a recent come up. To get myself out of that uncomfortable situation I simply took a step to the side, and wham! no longer a problem .

On the real though, let's talk about purpose. I never can help but feel just a tad bit jealous of people who have it figured out. People who have sieved their wants from their don't wants and are tirelessly working towards their wants no matter the cost. See, today I had to troop my little self to school to follow up on some not so fun stuff. I met with a friend who was in the same shoes, probably even larger, but that is besides the point.

Now this individual is confident. So yeah, we all want to graduate and get out of this so-called world class institution, who doesn't?  But she couldn't be stressed over the elephant in the room, Kenya School of Law. Her resolve? She isn't going, its something she thinks she will do much later in her life.

At this point, you are probably thinking, so what? Well, hers is a resolve of purpose. She said she prayed to God for purpose and sure enough she can't help but sit firm and upright on her decision. Besides purpose she's married the drive that comes with that , throwing herself in to her newly found passion.

I can't help but wonder, at what point is God, at least in my life, going to bless me with a crystal clear sense of purpose? Has he already and now we are both posted up just waiting for me to take the plunge? Is there a period that I should have been praying for purpose, so that it struck just at the right time? When was this time? Shouldn't there have been some sorta grace period between the grand revelation that I simply don't enjoy this field and the  resolve? 

All this mental back forth just to amplify that I am still going to be that predictable human who will take the path that offers the widest safety net.

Thanks for listening!