Purpose

This evening I had a Mia Thermopolis moment. Let me explain.  Mia, for non-diehards of the Princess Diaries series is the princess of Genovia. She wasn't always a princess, she was your typical nerd, dork,whatever you may call her; she had that big poofy hair, thick framed glasses and named her Mustang, 'The Stang'. As you would expect she wasn't the most popular girl in high school, so much so, once while siting down to have her lunch, somebody sat on her. So besides being a dweeb she also was, invisible. So invisible in fact, she told her best friend Lilly, "Somebody sat on me again," this incident was borderline, a norm. I wouldn't describe myself as a nerd, dork or dweeb, neither would Mia,but tonight when waiting for my bus, the air humid and wet, I could feel the 4c hair on my scalp awaken  its inner frizz which only spells trouble come tomorrow mornng. Life isn't an all the way bust but it's getting there. Three very giddy folks decided to have a whole conversation not beside me, not behind but smack dab in front of me, complete with shrill laughter I am convinced that I might as well be her 2K18 update. Whatever happened to social cues? If that's too much to ask for, maybe let's scale down to good manners. Everyone has those right? However with each passing day I can't help but reel in the presence of my self awareness which has been on a recent come up. To get myself out of that uncomfortable situation I simply took a step to the side, and wham! no longer a problem .

On the real though, let's talk about purpose. I never can help but feel just a tad bit jealous of people who have it figured out. People who have sieved their wants from their don't wants and are tirelessly working towards their wants no matter the cost. See, today I had to troop my little self to school to follow up on some not so fun stuff. I met with a friend who was in the same shoes, probably even larger, but that is besides the point.

Now this individual is confident. So yeah, we all want to graduate and get out of this so-called world class institution, who doesn't?  But she couldn't be stressed over the elephant in the room, Kenya School of Law. Her resolve? She isn't going, its something she thinks she will do much later in her life.

At this point, you are probably thinking, so what? Well, hers is a resolve of purpose. She said she prayed to God for purpose and sure enough she can't help but sit firm and upright on her decision. Besides purpose she's married the drive that comes with that , throwing herself in to her newly found passion.

I can't help but wonder, at what point is God, at least in my life, going to bless me with a crystal clear sense of purpose? Has he already and now we are both posted up just waiting for me to take the plunge? Is there a period that I should have been praying for purpose, so that it struck just at the right time? When was this time? Shouldn't there have been some sorta grace period between the grand revelation that I simply don't enjoy this field and the  resolve? 

All this mental back forth just to amplify that I am still going to be that predictable human who will take the path that offers the widest safety net.

Thanks for listening!

Second thoughts

In true human narcissistic fashion I went through my own blog and wouldn't you know it, last year I had a whopping 38 blog posts go up. Ironically, that may have been when  I was at my busiest. I had assignments coming at me left, right and centre most, if not all  of them being group assignments which are always "double the fun",work, exams, sit-in tests. Life was a continuous ball of stress yet somehow I refused to go down without a fight. By somehow, I mean there were a bunch of unprecedented school breaks, code for, lecturers' strikes which had me sitting around with a lot of free time in my hands.

Fast forward to 2018, we sure are nowhere close to 38 posts, I don't even think we are in the double digits. Explanation? I had this grand post-fourth year plan; I would be writing every day, delve into the world of Youtube with a couple of hair related videos, possibly booktube, embark on a couple of crafts sewing, knitting,embroidery the whole nine yards. Now that I think about it, the free time that I had as a first year in university and the free time I have as a possible university graduate, though still ideally free time, could not be more different. For one, I now have a job and there just isn't as much leeway as I had once imagined. The long and short of it, I haven't been quite the spot I imagined I would be, possibly because I didn't factor in my new normal, plain and simple I am a self confessed lazy bone and for a scalding hot minute, nearly all my devotionals have had the verse,"Be still and know that I am God" which is, I don't know, God trying to get me to pump the breaks on my plans and have a little sit down with Him. It is getting a little hard to discern which voice is which, am I holding myself back  and masking it in all manner of excuses? Is there a greater purpose to this lull?

For now, I do know that for sure that this period of nothingness, dare I call it idleness is making me question a whole lot especially around the great career debacle.

It is safe to say that for a long time the legal world, at least to me lost its pizzazz, in fact I can hardly remember the last time that it had that je ne sais quoi, that thing that would make all the all-nighters, all the frustrating group assignments, all the hot afternoon lectures worth it. I started going through the motions sooner than I intended, as hard as it is to admit maybe this law degree was not written in the stars for me.

A great source of my drive was my grades, if they were good, I knew that even the Chief Justice had nothing on me, I was a power house. If they were bad and trust me, I have seen a fair share of bad grades I thought of throwing out the  whole damn degree, all of it. Mostly though, they have been mediocre, on the real, who aims for mediocrity in the first instance? On the flip side there are units that for sure, I knew I would come out on the other side with either a very strong E or by the mercies and graces of the Lord a D but have come out unscathed with a C. Worse still, I have been reduced to praying for Ds because just the thought of failing a single unit and having to restart from square one with course facilitators who are far from fine and dandy, is enough to have me laying prostrate on the ground begging for academic mercies.

So my passion is at an all time low, my grades are barely hanging in there, by my standards at least, the only legal experience I have is a two month compulsory stint at the law courts, could things be looking any worse? The answer is, well, yes.  If all goes according to plan and the first Friday of December sees me donning a cap and gown, then the obvious course of action is Kenya School of Law of course I am jumping the gun here. I first have to have all my results, then apply to Kenya School of Law, get accepted, then on February 4th it all begins again.

The reality is, my world is not going to shatter into a million little pieces if everything doesn't  go according to plan, don't  get me wrong now, graduation 2018 just has to happen and if everything else falls into plan ... I'll be a happy camper. However, everything else outside of my field of study couldn't be glistening any brighter and chile, 2018 is the year of shooting your shot, not only in the DMs but also on the career front. I am sending my resume to positions that spike my interest in Naija Twitter spirit,"Whatever e hit, e hit" though I have gotten nothing but auto-response emails, there's something liberating about non conformity, veering off the tarmac and roughing it. Of course there can only be one happy ending here anything outside of the positive will be heartbreak.

Only the course of time will tell,

Thanks for listening!