He probably read up on it, I haven't since, but I had the idea to write this post and the idea, though it didn't come in the shower, it came as I was washing Sunday dinner dishes. Which, is better than nothing especially considering the Nairobi water situation in this great city in the sun.
For the past few weeks, I have been putting myself out there, applying for jobs in writing and even went as far as applying for a Google Business Internship. Weeks have passed and there has been no feedback, no email,no phone call, nothing. I've got to put the tough guy moniker a side and be real with myself, shots have been fired at my ego and the wounds left behind are becoming septic.
I can't help but think that I am the problem, was my CV too long? too short? no umph factor? or I just don't got it anymore. I am still keeping the faith, that it's all a case of speaking too soon, I haven't seen nothing yet, the best is yet to come, I put in the work. However as the days go by, it's becoming harder to keep my optimism up. It's even getting harder to pick up my Bible every morning. I figure what's the point? I am keeping my end of the bargain on this walk of faith, well not all the way but I am entitled to a grand gesture of gratitude. Yes, I am aware of how cocky that sounds.
Why do I feel like this? Simply put, dissatisfaction. I have enough, no, more than I could ever ask for but counting my blessings isn't exactly serving the purpose it used to. It came to me on Sunday evening that I have all the wrong reasons for wanting what I want, mostly running away from something, dodging the problem by all means. Of course, I am not about to air my dirty linen in public, well, not yet and dirty linen isn't the best description but I did put my finger on it.
Focus on the negative has never helped anyone and I have the funny feeling that I won't be the first to turn that around.
So, I asked myself, When am I most happy?
When I don't have school or work or both the next day
When I discover a new band/artiste/song/album
When I post on this blog
When I'm just about to hit the sack
When I'm eating junk food, fries all day, everyday
When I wake up in the middle of the night, look at my clock and still have 5 hours of sleep to go before my alarm goes off
When I get off work early
When I get validation; a call back, response to an email, a compliment,a like, comment, DM
When I'm working towards something I enjoy and the thrills and what-ifs that come with it
When I wake up early and seize the day
When I cross out the last thing on my to do list
When I find just the write piece to fit into my room's aesthetic
When my Dad sends me money on a whim
When my Mom washes the dishes for me on Friday nights
When I'm home alone
When I have another semester under my belt, that's closer to graduation
When I close my browsers tabs for a unit I was studying for or an assignment I was working on after submission
When I'm having lunch with the crew
When I will figure out the same page me and God are supposed to be on
When I find a worthwhile series
When I'm watching 80s movies
When I'm roasting the sister or just being downright outrageous
When I have freshly washed hair
When my eyebrows have the perfect arch to them
When free time is free time and not procrastination
When I find the perfect thrift-find
When I find something in stock that I could have bet was already sold
In my imagination
When I'm having iced/creamed cake
When my hair will grow past my mid-back if it's even mid-back given my recent trim
When I watch an animation or throwback cartoon
When I do something unlike me like smile at a stranger, make eye contact with a neighbor, say hey to an acquaintance, make small talk
When I come up with blog ideas
When I'm proved wrong only in certain situations
When I remember something funny
When I'm watching Dj Shiti on Real Househelps of Kawangware
When I make a new friend
When it all makes sense
When it will all come together
When I will find my purpose
When I figure out why God said 'no' to something I prayed about
I guess the answers to the question is away of putting things into perspective for yours truly, helping put my priorities right and soul search a wee bit. Not, just jump into all things shimmery and shiny without so much as a thought of where I am from, where I am going, why I am going there. This must be God's ingenious way of telling me to figure out the why and He will figure out the how. A life with purpose not just a hapless paper chase. Appreciating and marinating my present state and not making a quick get away with every chance I get, there is a lesson in everything and trying to fast-track the process must be taking away from it as a whole.
The long and short of it, I don't have to like where I am at but there is a reason behind it. I could appreciate the situation but again, I don't have to like it, some good has come of it after all and I just have to sit here and wait for my big break.
Have a good one, I know I will!
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