What I don't understand is why inner me is acting sidelined by all this. There was no blind spot, no sharp left turn yet here I am feeling all, well, unprepared. I feel entitled to be figuring out the unchartered path of my twenties but my current and future responsibilities just, will not let me be great.
See, the way I am looking at it is once my sister gets married, life changes significantly for the both of us. She will have her share of responsibilities and so will I. Once shared house bills, in my case will fall solely on my shoulders. Given, the refuse and trash collection, security and water bill all come down to 1300/-, not too bad if you are holding down a stead hustle with a steady income. Kenya, though is the land of the unexpected, I know this year for instance one of those bills went up by one hundred shillings. I get the whole inflation argument, however the gag is late last year there was a ban on plastic bags, now some refuse collection companies may be providing bin liners as part of the package deal, while others are operating under the assumption that provided the liners are not biodegradable, its bye-bye bin liners and hello creativity of the consumer on how they will line their bin. Pray tell then why the bill should go up by a hundred shillings. Yes, this purely could be a rant stemming from bitterness that gives bile a run for its money, from a person who pays a bill that is under a thousand shillings, an expense no matter what angle you look at it from but I am not exactly getting ,'a world class service in return' .
Do not get me started on the water bill. I see Nairobi Water personnel faithfully coming to read the metre, I see them cornered by residents in my neighbourhood, my mom included asking why they even bother with the monthly rounds yet only provide a few hundred litres of water tops to a neighbourhood with a few hundred homes. And that isn't even the half of it, because we are human, with basic human needs, need I mention food, water and shelter nearly everyone has been forced to dig even deeper into their already empty pockets, I am speaking for myself here, and outsource a water supply. Water companies are making an absolute killing in some parts of Nairobi all at the expense of desperate taxpayers.
There used to be talk of feeling the pinch and darned it, I never thought I'd see the day that the pinch would have its way with me.#Adulting.
This year I started it on a high of sorts. Sorts because my festive season was spent with my nose in books, studying for exams, writing research papers and gearing up for a semester which little did I know would be the hardest yet, riddled with strikes, moody lecturers, failed units(yes, that did happen), untaught units, name an academic misfortune and you can count your lucky stars that somebody in a public tertiary institution was on the receiving end. I did look forward to the fact that it would all be over soon, all of it, school come mid-June and work in December.
I refuse to let go of this plan, rather, refused to let go. I was literally holding on to the work plan by a split hair strand. When things got tough at work at least in the first quarter of the year, my happy place would be just the thought of December and pressing send on that resignation letter. This plan was leak proof, probably even air tight, I had even slotted in a month's worth of rest before I joined KSL. Man, I was dreaming big, this may have been my idea of a perfect world.
The more familiar I get with the year, the more vivid the realities of finances become. Now that I think about it, I've been tooting my horn a little bit too much and a little bit too loud about how financially, I got this. I've got a bit stashed here, a bit stashed there enough to tide me through the 18 month process of becoming an Advocate of the High Court. I may be dead wrong. January me didn't take into account that a lot of variables would change absolutely everything. Present me on the other hand is almost certain that a rush decision is definitely going to have me singing a different financial tune.
Now, my mind is bouncing of the walls thinking of a future that with the wrong move may have in a bit of a pickle. Since venting out these frustrations, I don't think the problem is the money, the responsibilities or the new normal that will be my everyday routine if everything goes according to plan, I think it's the anxiety leading up to these things.
There are a couple of solutions; wait it out, see how things pun out, after all I've got an okay thing going for me. The only problem with this solution is that I have just about had enough of myself not looking forward to clocking in, feeling like I am shortchanging myself and sometimes even overlooked. The next best thing then clearly would be, buckling down and besides doing the bare minimum of bookmarking jobs that tickle my fancy, go the whole nine yards and send out applications. Pretty taxing I'll admit and I can think of a whole load of cons to this solution but I don't want to be one to shoot down an idea even before its taken flight considering the circumstances.
Its not all black and white, and I doubt if it ever will be. Unfortunately, I can't say that I feel even a little bit lighter but I do know that the problem is anxiety, the only thing I can do, deal with what can be dealt with now and as for the future we will figure it out when we get there.
P.S The Notebook quotes are still coming , until then
Have a good one!
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