The intention was that the first week I would get in touch with my zen side, just ride the wave of non-commitment and just vibe as the kids say nowadays. All the while knowing that I had an assignment due, a paper to write and get little old me back on the job hunting scene. Here we are on week three,with two out of those three things done which by all means is commendable but hold your applause just a minute longer.I am going to ask you to put your detective hats on and on closer inspection you will see that I am getting in to the habit of half assing more than I should.That assignment, was done in a literal last minute rush, the paper? Sent out yesterday, late by a week and say two days and the job hunt? I may have stuck my toe into the vast pool of job applications, felt the temperature, flicked some water into the air which is code for, all I have so far done is bookmarked jobs that may be right up my ally but as for sitting behind a desk and giving the old keyboard a whack with tweaks done here and there to my resumeI have not even come remotely close.
Sick to the bone of all the time I continue to waste, I can't help but ask why? Four years ago, I would have been up probably by 8 a.m, on my workout routine and chores by 9 am and scouring the internet for job openings all while on my much anticipated academic break .Given, at the time I was barely in my twenties, unemployed with time from here to Timbuktu to do all these things and them some. Also, I had a pretty solid unwavering future ahead of me; finish my degree program and add a feather or two of co-curricular programs to one of my many hats and if there was a possibility to rake in a few shillings while at it slap me silly and call me Sally, in the words of Cardi B,where's my pen, &*%$^ I'm signing.
Now, I live in a world where I let myself be distracted. I am failing to distinguish between what I want because its what I see and what I actually want. I am also constantly on a comparison spree, feeling entitled to things, situations, experiences that I never even had the slightest desire for or straight up passed up the opportunity.
I have also grown; in age, just about settled in my twenties, I may just have a degree (you never know until you wear that cap and gown and have the said degree in your hands, especially with UoN) and in my ambitions and aspirations. The hard truth is, working behind a desk as a front office assistant, while being the potential holder of a law degree is not the end game. It could be pride speaking here, it could also be logic, heck, it could just be me allowing myself to dream beyond the confines of the front desk I have faithfully held fort over for the past three years, one thing is for certain just because it started here doesn't means it ends here. Might I add that my Dad did not spend a few hundred thousand shillings on four years worth of tuition neither did I put a whole lot of hard work and effort for four plus years... you get the drift, the whole front desk thing? Reason and a season.
Now, let's talk the future. This sounds like a conversation in a relationship that wouldn't exactly fit the description of music to my ears but just like the hypothetical relationship I need to come to terms with what my future holds.
The elephant in the room is if the plan is to have a useful law degree, Kenya School of Law has to be in the picture whether I like it or not. From the look of things KSL isn't exactly a breeze. Here is where the rubber meets the road; having seen my fair share of academic despair which I can't help but owe it all to my negligible balance between school and work, I question whether:
it would be worth it to look for another job knowing the path before me wouldn't exactly be described as a walk in the park,
stay in my current position purely for monetary purposes even though I hear the voice telling, well, yelling, it's time to leave,
or throw in the towel altogether and hope that all the coins gathered over the past few years can sustain me over the year and six months of KSL which also means letting go of all the finer things I have gotten so accustomed to; all the impulse Mr Price buys, thrifting, junk food just the thought gives me a case of the shivers.
There's also the whole question of logistics and commuting. If I stay, school and work will no longer be a stone's throw away from each other, schedules which will undoubtedly conflict and most importantly stress levels will soar to never before seen heights.
And if that isn't enough on my plate, both my parents are retired, in fact we are a month in to this new lifestyle which really isn't any different from their former working girl, working boy situation but the chances of that changing, possibly slowing down are looking up, which is a downer for me. Tuition is not the problem, thankfully, but what about my infamous, 'lifestyle'.
Then there's this whole new job thing; so say I do follow through with this thing, and send out my application here, there and everywhere, as the process goes I get a response, well in the spirit of optimism a load of responses, what happens when I'm seated there, suited up, fingers interlocked pulling all the stops when they ask where do you see yourself in the next five years? Where do I explain the part that I may not be able to give my 100% because of this little old thing called KSL and worse a year after that roller coaster I kinda sorta have to give my undivided attention to being a pupil at a law firm so this position will have to be second to second fiddle.
There's the option of telling alternative truths but this is not adventure time where over a series of episodes we see how things will pun out. This is someone's payroll I would be messing with. It all just seems like a very predictable script with a not so unpredictable end.
All signs are flashing that sending out applications would be a waste of my time and most importantly a waste of time for the person on the receiving end, but why do I still feel so inclined to do it?
My maker also seems to be of a different school of thought. See, I have been doing a devotional centred around ambition and your work where a lot of focus has been put on careers and how selfish we are not supposed to be in them, back on my Bible In A Year Plan this week its all remembering God before my plans and not vice versa and wouldn't you know it that this week's sermon on Transformation Church had a little segment on following through with your plans that often are not God ordained and how the repercussions often involve having to stick through with these, bluntly put, selfish decisions. I for one have had, I'm having and if I continue on the track I'm on will have to be on a downward trajectory and there's a high chance that this job search thing will be highly instrumental in my regression.
Yes,this post is a whole lot of gibberish but those are the unfiltered thoughts that have been sprinting through my head over the past few days. Hang tight for the next post which will hopefully have a bit of structure to it and if it doesn't allow me to use this as an outlet. Cool?
Have a good one!
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