What's next?

I seriously thought that I would  be writing everyday post senior year but as per usual, whose rolling on the floor laughing? The universe at yet another well played situation. On the real though, just like about every creator that's on my radar I am feeling uninspired. There was this grand scheme of things post academia where I was going to write about this and about that and the thought of anything not related even remotely to books had me, now in retrospect, unreasonably excited,

The intention was that the first week I would get in touch with my zen side, just ride the wave of non-commitment and just vibe as the kids say nowadays. All the while knowing that I had an assignment due, a paper to write and get little old me back on the job hunting scene. Here we are on week three,with two out of those three things done which by all means is commendable but hold your applause just a minute longer.I am going to ask you to put your detective hats on and on closer inspection you will see that I am getting in to  the habit of half assing more than I should.That assignment, was done in a  literal last minute rush, the paper? Sent out yesterday, late by a week and say two days and the job hunt? I may have stuck my toe into the vast pool of job applications, felt the temperature, flicked some water into the air which  is code for, all I have so far done is bookmarked jobs that may be right up my ally but as for sitting behind a desk and giving the old keyboard a whack with tweaks done here and there to my resumeI have not even  come remotely close.

Sick to the bone of all the time I continue to waste, I can't help but ask why? Four years ago, I would have been up probably by 8 a.m, on my workout routine and chores by 9 am and scouring the internet for job openings all while on my much anticipated academic break .Given,  at the time I was barely in my twenties, unemployed with time from here to Timbuktu to do all these things and them some. Also, I had a pretty solid unwavering future ahead of me; finish my degree program and add a feather or two of co-curricular programs to one of my many hats and if there was a possibility to rake in a few shillings while at it slap me silly and call me Sally,  in the words of Cardi B,where's my pen, &*%$^ I'm signing.

Now, I live in a world where I let myself be distracted. I am failing to distinguish between what I want because its what I see and what I actually want. I am also constantly on a comparison spree, feeling entitled to things, situations, experiences that I never even had the slightest desire for or straight up passed up the opportunity.

I have also grown; in age, just about settled in my twenties, I may just have a degree (you never know until you wear that cap and gown and have the said degree in your hands, especially with UoN) and in my ambitions and aspirations. The hard truth is, working behind a desk as a front office assistant, while being the potential holder of a law degree is not the end game. It could be pride speaking here, it could also be logic, heck, it could just be me allowing myself to dream beyond the confines of the front desk I have faithfully held fort over for the past three years, one thing is for certain just because it started here doesn't means it ends here.  Might I add that my Dad did not spend a few hundred thousand shillings on four years worth of tuition neither did I put a whole lot of hard work and effort for four plus years... you get the drift, the whole front desk thing? Reason and a season.

 Now, let's talk the future. This sounds like a conversation in a relationship that wouldn't exactly fit the description of music to my ears but just like the hypothetical relationship I need to come to terms with what my future holds.

The elephant in the room is if the plan is to have a useful law degree, Kenya School of Law has to be in the picture whether I like it or not. From the look of things KSL isn't exactly a breeze. Here is where the rubber meets the road; having seen my fair share of academic despair which I can't help but owe it all to my negligible balance between school and work, I question whether:

it would be worth it to look for another job knowing the path before me wouldn't exactly be described as a walk in the park,

stay in my current position purely for monetary purposes even though I hear the voice telling, well, yelling, it's time to leave,

or throw in the towel altogether and hope that all the coins gathered over the past few years can sustain me over the year and six months of KSL which also means letting go of all the finer things I have gotten so accustomed to; all the impulse Mr Price buys, thrifting, junk food just the thought gives me a case of the shivers.

There's also the whole question of logistics and commuting. If I stay, school and work will no longer be a stone's throw away from each other, schedules which will undoubtedly conflict and most importantly stress levels will soar to never before seen heights.

And if that isn't enough on my plate, both my parents are retired, in fact we are a month in to this new lifestyle which really isn't any different from their former working girl, working boy situation but the chances of that changing, possibly slowing down are looking up, which is a downer for me. Tuition is not the problem, thankfully, but what about my infamous, 'lifestyle'.

Then there's this whole new job thing; so say I do follow through with this thing, and send out my application here, there and everywhere, as the process goes I get a response, well in the spirit of optimism a load of responses, what happens when I'm seated there, suited up, fingers interlocked pulling all the stops when they ask where do you see yourself in the next five years? Where do I explain the part that I may not be able to give my 100% because of this little old thing called KSL  and worse a year after that roller coaster I kinda sorta have to give my undivided attention to being a pupil at a law firm so this position will have to be second to second fiddle.

There's the option of telling alternative truths but this is not adventure time where over a series of episodes we see how things will pun out. This is someone's payroll I would be messing with. It all just seems like a very predictable script with a not so unpredictable end.

All signs are flashing that sending out applications would be a waste of my time and most importantly a waste of time for the person on the receiving end, but why do I still feel so inclined to do it?

My maker also seems to be of a different school of thought. See, I have been doing a devotional centred around ambition and your work where a lot of focus has been put on  careers and how selfish we are not supposed to be in them, back on my Bible In A Year Plan this week its all remembering God before my plans and not vice versa and wouldn't you know it that this week's sermon on Transformation Church had a little segment on following through with your plans that often are not God ordained and how the repercussions often involve having to stick through with these, bluntly put, selfish decisions. I for one have had, I'm having and if I continue on the track I'm on will have to be on a downward trajectory and there's a high chance that this job search thing will be highly instrumental in my regression.

Yes,this post is a whole lot of gibberish but those are the unfiltered thoughts that have been sprinting through my head over the past few days. Hang tight for the next post which will hopefully have a bit of structure to it and if it doesn't allow me to use this as an outlet. Cool?

Have a good one!

 






 

Dear Nairobi Girl

I've gotta say there is nothing as intimidating as a blank canvas. All I can say  is playtime is over. The past one week, I have been reveling in my newly found, 'free time'. My morning routine consisted of drifting in and out of sleep simply because I could and who can forget, the fact that  I don't exactly have any academic commitments.It's unreal, so unreal in fact that in the past seven days I have watched maybe five movies; Jason's Lyric, Beyond the Lights, The Incredible Jessica James, Step and Juice. I have two and three quarters series under my belt; Netflix's Everything Sucks and On My Block and I am currently watching NBC's Rise. I realize this isn't a healthy amount of time to be spending in front of a screen, but that's all it is a realization, will I switch things up, only time will tell...oh, the anticipation.

However, I think its about time I tapped into my creative outlet. The urge has been there to write a piece or two but submitting to a keyboard hasn't come as easy as it used to. I figured I might as well just do it, and write about things that matter to me in the moment which might be trash in a few hours or may reckon with me, maybe even you in the years of yonder.But isn't that what makes life exciting,  the uncertainty?

Last week, there was this post going around on Kenyan social media, let's dub it, The Pressures of Being a Nairobi Girl.

It was...what's the word? Relatable. It made me take a waltz down memory lane of my young, naive, amateur college days. Of course now I can poke fun at that period because of the tremendous growth I've made as a human; from watching a lot of watered down possibly shallow content over the internet and being a conformant to the height of consumerism.

Let's  go back in time, way back, I am talking fresh out of high school,back. That was just when Instagram had started claiming its seat at the social media table. Possibly even before the genesis of TheShadeRoom, before Instagram had an algorithm for posts, Instagram stories? Please those fangled things were  for a certain demographic on a whole other different platform, better understood by the children, Snapchat.

My head was in a whole other different space. It all started with wanting the nicest threads and  bags to top it all of. Going into a post high school program with a dress code, I simply didn't fall into the fashion ideal  I wanted. You would think a dress code would dial down the fashion aspect but no, restrictions to young adults only propels them to unfathomable heights of creatively staying within the boundaries adding a flare of their own in tow.

Of course things only further escalated. My wants were beginning to become unreasonable, at least now that I look back on them; I saw people drive to school for the dreaded 8 a.m classes and I wanted that despite living an hour away from school if I chose to walk and fifteen minutes tops on a good day, code for no traffic. I wanted to look a certain way so that I could be looked at a certain way.

I craved to be perceived a certain way when in reality that perception would have been far from the truth. It took me a few months to get over the fact that if you looked up the-bomb-dot-com, it wouldn't be my face you would see beside it. That and my diploma program was amping up the intensity by the semester, having not even the slightest knack for computer programming, something had to give. Exit stage left craved perceptions, enter the reality that was coursework.

When I started my degree program, it was more or less a case of same script different cast. I wanted to buy lunch not have to carry it, I wanted to  make an impulse buy, don't get me wrong I did, but I wanted the nonchalance that complements it. This time though I was a little bit older, possibly even a bit wiser. I didn't get over it but found my way I round it by scouring the internet high and low for a job. Soon the paper would start rolling in and my hearts desires would have been met. Needless to say, it did not quite work out like that.

Now a long way from the teenage years much has changed. Okay, so yes, I still want to be perceived a certain way, I mean who doesn't? But that's just it.  I have irrational wants just like the next guy and now I list them down, stick 'em against my calendar, what I choose to do after that is up to me. Its normal to want something you cannot have; you can get a sick thrill out of it, an enormous drive and ambition to get it or you can get down on yourself.

Another thing that has come with age is deciphering what I  actually want from wanting simply and purely because others have. It would be nice to look polished 24/7 but with a two hour commute nearly everywhere I'll settle for slobby chic for utility purposes.

It's just as okay for you to be 'just' you as it is  for somebody else to be themselves.Be comfortable in your own skin and aesthiticity or lack thereof. If you are going to change you might as well do it for you because, wouldn't you know it? No one's looking.

To the Nairobi girl who feels the pressure, scrolls their time away, don't I have news for you? Start by putting the phone down,and your blinders on. There's a whole world beyond the four corners of your screen, beyond a fire Instagram post. Block out the noise and just live for you and eventually you will have it figured out.