JANUARY 2020 SELF AUDIT

I tend to start off any self reflection endeavor from the lows working my way up to the highlights. It really isn't a problem except I work my way through such a funk that I end up taking away the starring role that the highlights deserve. Today, that changes.

January started out on the right foot. I left my four year part time front office stint to take a swing at this legal career. A few months ago, I wore anxiety like an accessory. Here I was, neck deep in bar exams, barely secured a pupilage position, overwhelmed balancing school and work. It was a lot, I was doing a lot and I lost myself in the whirlwind of it all not to mention the things and relationships I let fizzle out. Now, at this very moment, I think I have mastered steadiness. Not peace, not calm just an ease that I wasn't aware existed neither did I know I needed.

Before the work week begins, I set out the week's outfits and meal prep for my lunch. I have kept up with this for four weeks in a row. Take this information to the bank with you, there's a relief that comes with eliminating life's minuscule decisions.

Working out and eating healthy as much as I can help it, is slowly and surely becoming a lifestyle. My bank account is reaping the benefits of this conscious living  I have set sail on. I fall asleep a lot faster and wake up faster as well. This could be due to lifestyle changes or its just an old case of my body adjusting to my new normal. I have a lot less aches, pains, swells than I used to which confirms the bitter truth, excess carbs are not it. But potatoes and sweeties will always be my first loves.

When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. My face is clearing up, I am hydrated and body wise certain areas look toned, borderline sculpted. I like how I feel.

If my Instagram is anything to go by, I am reading a lot more. I make use of my hour-plus commute and just lose thyself in the world of words and on most days these words give me the boost that I need to take on the day, pick me up after I feel beat-down but most times the next chapter is the only thing I have to look forward to. It's the simple things.

I have been reading my Bible a lot more choosing a devotional a week and just studying. I am learning a lot about myself which isn't all that pretty, confronting and addressing a great deal that has been shoved under the rag for far too long.

The lows.

Plain and simple. I need to put a cap on screen time before bed. A single Buzzfeed video and before I know it, I have tumbled headfirst into the Youtube rabbit hole. Valuable hours of sleep are being lost here. The only way out is winding down to some low-fi beats and a few pages of my current read on weeknights but on weekends, the night is young and it's all systems go baby!

In as much I am working out a lot more than I expected and have learnt to cut myself some slack when I get in my own head, I need to remind myself, 'mind over matter'. Suck it up instead of plopping myself on top of my bed and just let time slip right through my hold.

It is no secret that my relationships have bore the brunt of this school-work balance these past four years. I can't help but question, did I even try to make them work? Short answer, no. Now everyone is and has moved on, of course only when I am just about to get my footing right. Poetic, no? So where do I go from here? The logical approach. Appreciate the past and anticipate the future. Go places, put myself out there in the said places,start conversations, keep them going, speak when spoken to (my mom has been on the receiving end of what must it feel to talk to a wall, the wall being me) and rebuild from there.

Let's talk about money. I have had to take a massive pay cut. Even the smallest purchase plays a role in the big picture. I appreciate the fact that I am solely making conscious purchases but there's something about making that lone reckless purchase. It must be the adrenaline. I have really got to put my back into the little side gig I had going on, for necessity's sake.

Now that we are on the topic of side gigs, I think I put my finger on why I am so apprehensive on getting back to my hustle.There were a lot of moving parts to keep it all together, the inspections, pricing, staging, posting, the waiting let me tell you there's a lot of that, the dead stock and ultimately the disappointments. The only way out of this one, is through. Immerse myself in the processes, suck it up. If that does not work, the money or lack thereof will give me the tug I need.

A few days ago, I celebrated yet another trip around the sun. It was  underwhelming to say the least. Turning a year older , at least this year has only pronounced one major concern,my non-existent love life. I have had many a conservation with myself and I have settled on a couple of solutions; a peek into my future allowed by God to see if the future has any prospects of a man there, if there isn't we move, stress free might I add convinced that in deed it is His plan and not my shortcomings. Seeing as to how, His voice isn't saying anything in particular neither has he sent a prophet or angel to my doorstep, we move, reluctantly this time. The thrill of being single is the possibility of an optimistic future, the downside, constantly thinking that I am the problem. I have got two options, quit while I am ahead which is what I am leaning towards FYI, or go for opportunities that present themselves. You stare, I say hey! The worst that could happen, suffer an L and I have had a fair share of those.

So, there's this guy...

It's not what you are thinking, I wish it were but it isn't. It was a Friday morning. Best day of the week and only a few hours before I could put the pedal to the metal on my much anticipated weekend.

There he was. I got in, having a banter with my colleagues he having a conversation with his colleague. We both glanced at each other. I walked past, he stood firm. I knew I know him from somewhere, but where.

Immediately my mind goes into overdrive. Same school? It couldn't have been primary school. I was in a class of 22 and I am sure I would know if his face belonged to one of the 22. It could not have been high school because all through, I have been to an all-girls school. However, his presence feels awfully dominant in that particular stage of my life. There's a high chance we go to the same church and saw each other at the same service every now and again. But then again, I could have seen him at one of the school bus stops. Or, it could be both.

Or he just looks awfully familiar.

Or he was just so good looking that my mind is begging to associate myself with him somehow.

Tall, dark, handsome with glasses. In the words of Saweetie that's my type.

So where do we go from here? If history is anything to go by, I'll never see him again. Just to shake things up, I'll probably see this cat again and just like before we'll glance at each other like we did before. If things do go a little crazy, one of us, probably him, will cave and say hi to the other of course only nonchalantly. Maybe we'll even say hi to each other at the same time and have a super awkward moment. But I am going to think that it's cute and hold on to every millisecond of that awkward moment and he, he won't think nothing of it.

For now, there's this guy and he will be just that. Just another guy.

HOBBIES

I have lost touch. That, or I have grown up,  and with growing up comes growing apart. I may have grown apart from a lot. I hate to admit it, but it...this, may have all been a phase. This blog, this space. Even I am having a hard time believing that. Maybe it's just one of those cases, you know, like riding your bike everyday after school and the older you get, you just don't have the time to do it anymore or you just gravitate towards other things like tv, music, responsibilities. So, you do it less and less until you don't do it anymore.

 

I am having trouble identifying who I am now. See, I have let a piece of paper define me. When I write on my resume on that hobbies section reading, that makes sense but writing, well, Houston we have a problem. 

Now, I got two options and lucky for me in these situations, those are the only options that are there. Completely jump ship or jump in like I never left. 

For the first time in years, I have time.Get this I can legitimately say, I have free time. If I want to scroll my free time away, I can, binge watch a series, I can and guess what,  for the past two days that is exactly what I have done. However, there's been this feeling that has just been gnawing at my very being. In the back of my mind, I know that blue tan I am getting is doing me more harm than good.  

But I am so out of touch with this whole writing shenanigan, hitting the restart button would just be the tip of the iceberg. I guess it is back to basics for me. Write about anything and everything. Write about Nairobi Traffic, my career, my style, the books I am reading, my thoughts, my music, my hopes and dreams, my fears. Anything and everything. It may be painful to put myself through this, it will probably even sting a little to read these articles back but I might as well get on with it. After all the traffic hitting this space is at an all time low which on the contrary takes a heck of a load off. 

Now that I have confronted this blank page, well, nearly it only goes to prove that if I minimize the distractions and just brush my fingertips across the keyboard one thing will lead to another and we will have another article on our hands.

See you on the other side!