Mark Time

I have been reading a lot and wouldn't you know it, a little tap over the keyboard keys isn't as daunting. 

 

I have also been using various outlets to express what's in the old noggin and I definitely feel like quite the load has been taken off.

So, what brings us here today? Frustration, stagnation all in a bid to have a dream bod. I remember a time, not too long ago when the whole weight debacle was not a debacle. Given, I was a lot younger, a university student, a part time front office assistant, reveller, soon-to-be entrepreneur, wanna-be content creator, needless to say, the adjective active to describe me at the time would have been an understatement. As a side, at this point in my life I could squeeze in a series binge, sometimes even a movie knowing full well I had a jam packed day ahead of me.

Fast forward a few months later,  an entire shift has been experienced. Of course a lot has slowed down within the past few months especially in the midst of a pandemic, however, this year, there's something amiss.  The word 'fat' has always seemed like an insult to me, but with the weight just piling and staying on I really can't think of a more politically correct term.

I have managed to stay out of my self-proclaimed danger zone, there has been no shortcut around this, none at all. My weapon of choice has been cardio, jump rope specifically. Thirty days of consistency though the scale told one story and my physique another I couldn't help but feel just a little bit down, maybe even, defeated when the numbers on the scale didn't budge. It not only felt like a bad joke, I felt like a laughing stock. 

I am constantly reminded of this 'shift' with the fit of my clothes,there's no escaping this.

Thoughts of what I could possibly be doing wrong are more frequent in my mind although that little voice keeps me going. The one that has talked me out of bed to get  that early morning workout in, the one has talked me through that last set, the one that keeps charging me away from the weighing scale and urges me to pay no mind to snide comments from people who despite me not engaging feel the need to sound off on my weight.

From the inside looking in, I need to steer clear of the numbers game when it comes to weight loss. A cheeky chocolate chip cookie, pack of salted crisps, cake can and should be enjoyed (of course in moderation). Consistency over the past thirty days has borne results what is another thirty or sixty or ninety? The slump is here with me, low metabolic rate in all its glory. It is my, I hate to say it, new normal. I take a lot of pride in my image and I am not at all going to shy away from working towards that I am at a high if I can help it.  

It's just not what it used to be

You know how a few days ago I was walking, no I was posted up on cloud nine. Practically singing the praises of a social media free world, yeah, so as it turns out that was a beginner's high. You remove even the slightest of distractions, your conscience literally forces you to confront realities that were lurking in the shadows, waiting for their big break. Go figure, the older you get the more pronounced these realities become.

First up on the scene is trends. Circa 2016, may have been the height of the natural hair movement on the Kenyan scene, and I like the crazed twenty something year old I was began a natural hair page. Crazed, because in retrospect, I was in it for all the wrong reasons. Yes, it had its highs but now the simplicities of life, a middle part pony, less intricate protective styles, wash-hour-or-two replacing wash-days have been beckoning and there is nothing I do best than heed to that call. The attention that came with it, though not much, was responsible for offering a sense of validation and almost like clockwork came comparison and entitlement, a looser curl pattern will do the trick, longer hair will reel them in, product X will be the game changer. In the end it is just hair. 

Image.Looks aren't everything but for sure, they are something. The older I have become the more I notice that when my brows are looking scraggly and my hair is in an even more dire spot, the less like myself I feel. Believe it or not I only started being MVP contender in the brow game in the recent past, needless to say, it does serve quite the purpose. The kicker though, never in a billion years did I think that I would latch on, cling to my outward appearance even as much as I do now.

Now that we have the perception of me out of the way, let's talk about others perception of me. I am constantly questioning it. Am I too dark? Am I even pretty? I mean the short answer is, you have to think you are beautiful to know that you are beautiful because no one else can do it for you. Admittedly, it is easier said than done, especially at this time in my life which is considered my prime. The honest, yet sad truth, my overall image for the longest time has been left at everyone's disposal except mine. Everyone, at first glance, seems to be living la vida loca while I often feel like I am merely a filler in some void (disclaimer, the social media break has more or less halted the breaks on these sentiments. It feels good to be free of the invisible shackles of digital perception.)

The elephant in the room. I am the elephant. The elephant is I. Yes, I am overreacting but you want to know what isn't, my metabolism. It really isn't what it used to be. Those fifteen to twenty minute workouts don't do what they used to about 7 years ago and the 30 minute ones? Unless it is a HIIT, full body workout, incorporating the occasional weights and I am on beast mode from the warm-up to the cool-down, then I might as well have wasted 30 minutes which I will never get back. Recently, I stepped on the scale and it wasn't good, I tried on some clothes that were between a good and snug for fit and that was not good either. That is the only wake up call I needed. The upside is a lot of health conscious decisions are going to be made going forward, the downside, a lot of health conscious decisions are going to be made. Already a lot is out the window; lactose, gluten makes special guest appearances here and there but it just isn't the same. Pigging out, an old pastime has since been given the boot.

These are just some of the joys of adulting. It is triggering to realize that I have the rest of my life to continue unwrapping this gift that keeps on giving. 

 

   

 

You might want to sit for this one

There's an aroma of optimism in the air, So much so, that I have managed to see the silver lining in academic failure given that I have a solid four fails under my belt, and, having come out of one of them, well, alive I may have some nuggets of wisdom worth sharing. Surprise!  I am not an academic giant neither have I put up a front to suggest the same.

History has proven that I am in the business of taking Ls. I have suffered horrible class presentations, been what felt like the sole contributor to what was meant to be a group effort and worked on make or break assignments well past the wee hours of the morning in what can only be described as the joys and joys of seeking a higher education. In these situations, I have managed to come out with just enough to write home about other times, the level of injury, mostly mental, has been temporary and once a blue moon I come out on top. But what happens when you hit rock bottom? It is not just your fuel gauge reading E but your transcript as well.

You might want to sit for this one. Really sit with it, think about what could have possibly gone wrong, every single possibility that got you here is worth a quick ponder over. Steep in this for say a week, maybe, two. No longer.

In my experience, working through the pain of failure sooner rather than later, offers more benefits than shoving the very thought of studying to the furthest corner of my mind. For one, I have no option but to shift gear into P, for Panic early enough.

Compile your material from your first exam attempt in a bid to have a solid revision pack I am speaking to folk like me whose revision material is not central as it typically should be. Stationery becomes my bosom bud at this point; binders, dividers, flashcards, highlights, plenty of color gel pens. Order in these situations is more than welcome, comforting even. Think of it as having the vantage point with quite the view.

Map out your action plan. Whether it is to rewrite notes to give the old memory a jog, practice papers and be as specific as the tasks allow you to be, that way, nothing will be left to chance 

Get down to the real deal. You've got your plan, now, act on it. Have a schedule and stick to it. Cross off the tasks as you go.

Add on to your revision pack as you go eventually you will have a comprehensive reference point which you should know the ins and outs of. My personal goal is usually to be ready for the exam with nothing but time to spare.

I am currently in the throws of exam prep, solidifying a couple of things here and there. Though I cannot vouch for this tips to the death, why don't we compromise? Better work in progress than uncertainty, ey?  

Remembering you

I have been thinking long and hard about the trajectory of this blog. It started off with me narrating some of my less than stellar experiences, promptly followed by the lessons I learnt so that you wouldn't have to. In retrospect if I was to put a label on it, academic-lifestyle? I was on the up and up, a sense of progression. The organic progression should have been post-grad life. After all the lessons out of the classroom are far more invaluable than the ones inside. I had an audience, tangible at that, living, breathing people who visited this space, some on the regular, others, one post would have them tumbling down the literallylovely rabbit hole. A single DM here, an email there,  of someone who stumbled on this blog and thought, why not pay me a compliment.

Those really were the good times.

 The tone  has changed. Simply put, it seems I focus a lot more on what I do not have, what I am not and what I want.

Tonight though, let's revisit some of the past. Sure there is a lot I am not, but I need to remind myself what I am, and here is how you do that:

Acknowledge that you are reading a little bit too much into something that though mattering to you at that very moment, is just that a momentary thought.

Comparison may have stolen your joy. It sure has stolen some of my joy a couple of times. In these situations, I suggest have a long hard think with yourself, do you want because you want or do you want because others have?

Unplug. Remove yourself wholly and entirely from the situation that has brought about this unsettling feeling. For me, I find avoiding social media like the bubonic plague does the trick.

Remind yourself of what you like about yourself. It could be something as minuscule as drinking more water, sleeping a lot earlier, working out once a week or working out, period, or something major, like always finishing what you start or having an unwavering value system.

Find a healthy outlet to use as a sounding board. I am highly skeptical of people so I write, at least, sometimes, I do. Sometimes hearing or seeing the words stark naked in front of you offers a whole different perspective. 

Remember, you are doing nothing wrong. There is no blue print to doing life right, living it is just about enough.

Allow yourself to be (you're human, be) and question,why-them-and-not-me type thing, get angry if you must.

If these feelings do persist almost feeling like a nag, pray on it. Ask for it and brace yourself for the answer. Maybe what you want is coming your way just not at your earliest convenience.

Beyond Physical Social Distance

I have taken the plunge, for the next 21 days I will be Social Media free. No Twitter, sweet, sweet, Twitter and no more Instagram. It's been a few hours since I hit that log off button and it is safe to say that what I am experiencing now is a high, a possible adrenaline rush. The night routine is done, laundry is folded and the mythical load has been taken off.

I have found myself becoming some sort of slave to the screen. It is not an addiction at least, I don't think it is. This particular evening I found myself questioning my stance. Why do I only have X amount of followers? 341 to be exact. Why don't my posts get as many likes? Is my profile unlikeable? Does it not stand out?  The answers to these questions are actually quite easy, my posts are few and far between, my account is nowhere under the logarithm's radar. No visibility, no audience.

The big question though, why do I care? I am not looking to be some sort of social media guru/sensation.  I have remained authentic to me, from the streets to the timeline, it is the same me across the board, I figure if I like me then surely YOU (prospective follower) like me. It only makes sense, right? Wrong, dead wrong.

So, this is yet another episode of me being in my head a little more than I should. Any aspect of my life where I find myself scaling the ladder of social approval is the red zone, climbing further and further away from the comfort of me. I mean sure, on the way up there's progress here and there, hearing what I want to hear, seeing what I want to see only making myself clamour higher and higher with no summit in sight.

Slow and sure just isn't as appealing, part of the reason for the demise of my Youtube channel. The numbers next to the symbols should just be that, but somehow I have found myself swayed to the dark side, a regular player at the numbers game, yet another game where prowess is required, prowess only possessed by the chosen few.

Evidently, this is not a pleasant headspace to be in hence my reclaim over the reigns in my life. Will 21 days make everything okay? No, but it will offer a break to the ever running machine that is my mind, some perspective, a sense of clarity, control and  I will be more than happy to take all that and more, over constant doubt.

The idea will be to tap out of one vice (social media) and tap into a virtue. Be it writing on here, reading, watching, listening. Ideal living.

JANUARY 2020 SELF AUDIT

I tend to start off any self reflection endeavor from the lows working my way up to the highlights. It really isn't a problem except I work my way through such a funk that I end up taking away the starring role that the highlights deserve. Today, that changes.

January started out on the right foot. I left my four year part time front office stint to take a swing at this legal career. A few months ago, I wore anxiety like an accessory. Here I was, neck deep in bar exams, barely secured a pupilage position, overwhelmed balancing school and work. It was a lot, I was doing a lot and I lost myself in the whirlwind of it all not to mention the things and relationships I let fizzle out. Now, at this very moment, I think I have mastered steadiness. Not peace, not calm just an ease that I wasn't aware existed neither did I know I needed.

Before the work week begins, I set out the week's outfits and meal prep for my lunch. I have kept up with this for four weeks in a row. Take this information to the bank with you, there's a relief that comes with eliminating life's minuscule decisions.

Working out and eating healthy as much as I can help it, is slowly and surely becoming a lifestyle. My bank account is reaping the benefits of this conscious living  I have set sail on. I fall asleep a lot faster and wake up faster as well. This could be due to lifestyle changes or its just an old case of my body adjusting to my new normal. I have a lot less aches, pains, swells than I used to which confirms the bitter truth, excess carbs are not it. But potatoes and sweeties will always be my first loves.

When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. My face is clearing up, I am hydrated and body wise certain areas look toned, borderline sculpted. I like how I feel.

If my Instagram is anything to go by, I am reading a lot more. I make use of my hour-plus commute and just lose thyself in the world of words and on most days these words give me the boost that I need to take on the day, pick me up after I feel beat-down but most times the next chapter is the only thing I have to look forward to. It's the simple things.

I have been reading my Bible a lot more choosing a devotional a week and just studying. I am learning a lot about myself which isn't all that pretty, confronting and addressing a great deal that has been shoved under the rag for far too long.

The lows.

Plain and simple. I need to put a cap on screen time before bed. A single Buzzfeed video and before I know it, I have tumbled headfirst into the Youtube rabbit hole. Valuable hours of sleep are being lost here. The only way out is winding down to some low-fi beats and a few pages of my current read on weeknights but on weekends, the night is young and it's all systems go baby!

In as much I am working out a lot more than I expected and have learnt to cut myself some slack when I get in my own head, I need to remind myself, 'mind over matter'. Suck it up instead of plopping myself on top of my bed and just let time slip right through my hold.

It is no secret that my relationships have bore the brunt of this school-work balance these past four years. I can't help but question, did I even try to make them work? Short answer, no. Now everyone is and has moved on, of course only when I am just about to get my footing right. Poetic, no? So where do I go from here? The logical approach. Appreciate the past and anticipate the future. Go places, put myself out there in the said places,start conversations, keep them going, speak when spoken to (my mom has been on the receiving end of what must it feel to talk to a wall, the wall being me) and rebuild from there.

Let's talk about money. I have had to take a massive pay cut. Even the smallest purchase plays a role in the big picture. I appreciate the fact that I am solely making conscious purchases but there's something about making that lone reckless purchase. It must be the adrenaline. I have really got to put my back into the little side gig I had going on, for necessity's sake.

Now that we are on the topic of side gigs, I think I put my finger on why I am so apprehensive on getting back to my hustle.There were a lot of moving parts to keep it all together, the inspections, pricing, staging, posting, the waiting let me tell you there's a lot of that, the dead stock and ultimately the disappointments. The only way out of this one, is through. Immerse myself in the processes, suck it up. If that does not work, the money or lack thereof will give me the tug I need.

A few days ago, I celebrated yet another trip around the sun. It was  underwhelming to say the least. Turning a year older , at least this year has only pronounced one major concern,my non-existent love life. I have had many a conservation with myself and I have settled on a couple of solutions; a peek into my future allowed by God to see if the future has any prospects of a man there, if there isn't we move, stress free might I add convinced that in deed it is His plan and not my shortcomings. Seeing as to how, His voice isn't saying anything in particular neither has he sent a prophet or angel to my doorstep, we move, reluctantly this time. The thrill of being single is the possibility of an optimistic future, the downside, constantly thinking that I am the problem. I have got two options, quit while I am ahead which is what I am leaning towards FYI, or go for opportunities that present themselves. You stare, I say hey! The worst that could happen, suffer an L and I have had a fair share of those.

So, there's this guy...

It's not what you are thinking, I wish it were but it isn't. It was a Friday morning. Best day of the week and only a few hours before I could put the pedal to the metal on my much anticipated weekend.

There he was. I got in, having a banter with my colleagues he having a conversation with his colleague. We both glanced at each other. I walked past, he stood firm. I knew I know him from somewhere, but where.

Immediately my mind goes into overdrive. Same school? It couldn't have been primary school. I was in a class of 22 and I am sure I would know if his face belonged to one of the 22. It could not have been high school because all through, I have been to an all-girls school. However, his presence feels awfully dominant in that particular stage of my life. There's a high chance we go to the same church and saw each other at the same service every now and again. But then again, I could have seen him at one of the school bus stops. Or, it could be both.

Or he just looks awfully familiar.

Or he was just so good looking that my mind is begging to associate myself with him somehow.

Tall, dark, handsome with glasses. In the words of Saweetie that's my type.

So where do we go from here? If history is anything to go by, I'll never see him again. Just to shake things up, I'll probably see this cat again and just like before we'll glance at each other like we did before. If things do go a little crazy, one of us, probably him, will cave and say hi to the other of course only nonchalantly. Maybe we'll even say hi to each other at the same time and have a super awkward moment. But I am going to think that it's cute and hold on to every millisecond of that awkward moment and he, he won't think nothing of it.

For now, there's this guy and he will be just that. Just another guy.

HOBBIES

I have lost touch. That, or I have grown up,  and with growing up comes growing apart. I may have grown apart from a lot. I hate to admit it, but it...this, may have all been a phase. This blog, this space. Even I am having a hard time believing that. Maybe it's just one of those cases, you know, like riding your bike everyday after school and the older you get, you just don't have the time to do it anymore or you just gravitate towards other things like tv, music, responsibilities. So, you do it less and less until you don't do it anymore.

 

I am having trouble identifying who I am now. See, I have let a piece of paper define me. When I write on my resume on that hobbies section reading, that makes sense but writing, well, Houston we have a problem. 

Now, I got two options and lucky for me in these situations, those are the only options that are there. Completely jump ship or jump in like I never left. 

For the first time in years, I have time.Get this I can legitimately say, I have free time. If I want to scroll my free time away, I can, binge watch a series, I can and guess what,  for the past two days that is exactly what I have done. However, there's been this feeling that has just been gnawing at my very being. In the back of my mind, I know that blue tan I am getting is doing me more harm than good.  

But I am so out of touch with this whole writing shenanigan, hitting the restart button would just be the tip of the iceberg. I guess it is back to basics for me. Write about anything and everything. Write about Nairobi Traffic, my career, my style, the books I am reading, my thoughts, my music, my hopes and dreams, my fears. Anything and everything. It may be painful to put myself through this, it will probably even sting a little to read these articles back but I might as well get on with it. After all the traffic hitting this space is at an all time low which on the contrary takes a heck of a load off. 

Now that I have confronted this blank page, well, nearly it only goes to prove that if I minimize the distractions and just brush my fingertips across the keyboard one thing will lead to another and we will have another article on our hands.

See you on the other side!