Ella Mai Heart on My Sleeve.

 Second post, even I didn't think it would come out this soon but alas! here we are.

The process has not changed.

Genius page. 

Albums February 2023

Hit play on my Spotify.

Listen.

I am trying to give everything a chance. I will say, though, that I remind myself a healthy amount of times that you only get one life so you might as well live it how you like it especially what you can control. If it involves pulling the plug on a show even a minute in or a song a few seconds in even a meal just by the look of it. Do it. Of course, there is a thin line between curating and being that person who is infamous for not trying out new things. I don't know about you, but that's not the tag I aspire to have. Which is why I present to you, balance.

I start listening to this album and I am digging deep within my gut to give it a chance and this is only a couple of songs in of an 18 track album. It was at the "couple of songs" that I should have called it instead I adopted a different approach, album reviews.

I was elated to find that it was described as boring by Pitch fork yet it still managed to scored an admirable,  some (me, being some) would even say a generous7.3. Other music sites described it as generic. Even their track by track analyses, heavy use on the thesaurus. 

At this point I am scrummaging for a reason to keep listening and wouldn't you know it there are surprise audios from Kirk Franklin and Mary J. Blige. I hate to admit it but even they couldn't salvage this. Yet another apparent sign to off the headphones, yet I kept going.

Featured artistes include Latto, Roddy Rich and Lucky Daye. 

I wasn't particularly disappointed given I like only 2 songs from this artist; Trip and Boo'd Up. Two out of an entire discography, it's not looking good bruv.

It's time. It's time to admit that these heavily produced, R&B, with the endless riffs and rans and heavy basses, 'type-beats' that we see on Youtube that end up sounding like you could swear you have just heard it elsewhere; the curtains are coming down on what should have come to a close a while ago.

Let's give it up though not only for effort, but for showing up. Just like I show up to my desk job and have average days, music is a career where you need to show up and show up with your deliverables which sometimes serve the purpose of being marked as "complete". Not everything has to blow your mind. That's exactly what Ella Mai did with Heart on My Sleeve.

I may have liked two songs out of the entire 18 tracklist with one having been in rotation for most of last year ,DFM.

My two cents, she needs to work with different producers, she needs to work with producers who are also artistes like the Bryson Tillers and Ty Dolla Sign, Mustard alone, he isn't cutting it, everything on that album sounds the same. And if she doesn't have one already she should get a writer not to completely trash her writing skills but a little bit of help, even just a pinch may do more good than harm.

Maybe she already has all these things and to that I say showing up is half the victory , releasing a project is another fraction of the victory and that deserves an applause because God knows that I have been in several instances where all I have done is set out to show up and check a few boxes.

Enemy Brain Entertainment Suite by Fox Stevenson.

 Hey guys,

It's bee ages and I have several excuses valid if I say so myself. However I got to talking with ne of my friends yesterday evening and it became more apparent that we really aren't doing with the concept of free time. She resolved to pick up origami I on the other hand couldn't think of anything. I did put on the table taking a nap which I will  and should in fact everyone should. Naps don't even need a single person to make a case for them, the make toddlers much calmer and less cranky and rejuvenate everybody above the double digits. I do think as pleasing as naps are I could tap into something else.

If you have been on this little piece of the internet for as long as it has been in existence then may I remind you of a little thing called Media Monday. Of course then my dreams for this blog were bigger although the right word would be different. Now, I am older, wiser and most importantly, I have realized that there is a lot more to life than the numbers game. It is beyond important to just do something; out of curiosity, because you have time, because you enjoy it and most importantly, just because.

I guess that's why I am back here. I like writing and I like writing when I have the time and when I don't (even as I type this from my work station on valuable company time). I like expressing myself without expecting any feedback in the form of likes, comments, views; running a mok if you will. Maybe one day I am Marie Kondo and the next its the chaos a la Ridiculousness or worse, Jackass. Today could not have been the best time to reaffirm nothing is a straight line.

All that to say that I am not back but instead I will jump on here hopefully with good energy and spiel on books, tvs , movies and shows that are on my radar.

I forgot how intentional I was with when it came to finding something that would take up all my time. Then I turned it into a chore and tasked myself with having to find something anything by the week. Predictably it ceased being fun and ironically became fundamental to my writing routine that I was a always hot on the heels of the next big thing. What a task and impossible at that.

Now we watch what we want.

Listen to what we want.

Smell what we want.

Taste what we want.

Genre-bend, pallet challenge and all around live in colours, loud and proud.

This is beginning to sound like some sort of coming out speech so let me nip it in the bud coming at you with an album which I am on a second listen within a couple of hours.

Let me explain MY process; go onto Genius search for the albums to be released in a specific month, go onto spotify and hit play. I would love to give everything a try but K-Pop has not won me over neither has metal, they aren't any less of a genre, let's just say they are a cup of tea to someone just not mine. But who knows maybe one of this days I'll come on here and tell all of you, even you in the back to drop everything and listen to Slipknot's latest drop.

Today's drop, Enemy Brain Entertainment Suite by Fox Stevenson.

It gives me those early 2000's teen movie nostalgic feels. When age restrictions were a suggestion and rewatching the  same film now you can't help but wonder how living under your parents roof you managed to watch "Not Another Teen Movie" when you were not even a tween yourself.

The entire album has been added to my GYM playlist especially since I aspire to be more consistent with treadmill HIIT sessions. Hopefully that means you have put two and two together and  established that it is a high BPM album with the cherry on top, dubstep. This makes it perfect for a spin-cycle session, solo-peloton or high-energy fitness class  as well. 

I am going to go out on a limb and say that even the gamers will have this on their radar.

I would say it is feel good only because of its composition but the lyrics are in an entirely different headspace which works out perfect for me because in my world, when the rubber meets the road, things are thick, everything even your comfort throw is a wet-blanket an amazing stress reliever, adrenaline releaser is cranking that speed all the way up on the treadmill and letting your legs carry you as far and as long a they possibly can.

I nearly left out that Fox Stevenson has entered the list of 2023 perfectly sequenced albums with the exception of a couple slower paced tracks in between. Appreciators of good sequencing can go to the principle judge in the sequencing division, of course I'm talking about none other than Nathan Zed. Of course being a dj and possibly composer, heavy on the possibly, he definitely knows how to keep that button on play and the ravers on their feet.

Mark Time

I have been reading a lot and wouldn't you know it, a little tap over the keyboard keys isn't as daunting. 

 

I have also been using various outlets to express what's in the old noggin and I definitely feel like quite the load has been taken off.

So, what brings us here today? Frustration, stagnation all in a bid to have a dream bod. I remember a time, not too long ago when the whole weight debacle was not a debacle. Given, I was a lot younger, a university student, a part time front office assistant, reveller, soon-to-be entrepreneur, wanna-be content creator, needless to say, the adjective active to describe me at the time would have been an understatement. As a side, at this point in my life I could squeeze in a series binge, sometimes even a movie knowing full well I had a jam packed day ahead of me.

Fast forward a few months later,  an entire shift has been experienced. Of course a lot has slowed down within the past few months especially in the midst of a pandemic, however, this year, there's something amiss.  The word 'fat' has always seemed like an insult to me, but with the weight just piling and staying on I really can't think of a more politically correct term.

I have managed to stay out of my self-proclaimed danger zone, there has been no shortcut around this, none at all. My weapon of choice has been cardio, jump rope specifically. Thirty days of consistency though the scale told one story and my physique another I couldn't help but feel just a little bit down, maybe even, defeated when the numbers on the scale didn't budge. It not only felt like a bad joke, I felt like a laughing stock. 

I am constantly reminded of this 'shift' with the fit of my clothes,there's no escaping this.

Thoughts of what I could possibly be doing wrong are more frequent in my mind although that little voice keeps me going. The one that has talked me out of bed to get  that early morning workout in, the one has talked me through that last set, the one that keeps charging me away from the weighing scale and urges me to pay no mind to snide comments from people who despite me not engaging feel the need to sound off on my weight.

From the inside looking in, I need to steer clear of the numbers game when it comes to weight loss. A cheeky chocolate chip cookie, pack of salted crisps, cake can and should be enjoyed (of course in moderation). Consistency over the past thirty days has borne results what is another thirty or sixty or ninety? The slump is here with me, low metabolic rate in all its glory. It is my, I hate to say it, new normal. I take a lot of pride in my image and I am not at all going to shy away from working towards that I am at a high if I can help it.  

It's just not what it used to be

You know how a few days ago I was walking, no I was posted up on cloud nine. Practically singing the praises of a social media free world, yeah, so as it turns out that was a beginner's high. You remove even the slightest of distractions, your conscience literally forces you to confront realities that were lurking in the shadows, waiting for their big break. Go figure, the older you get the more pronounced these realities become.

First up on the scene is trends. Circa 2016, may have been the height of the natural hair movement on the Kenyan scene, and I like the crazed twenty something year old I was began a natural hair page. Crazed, because in retrospect, I was in it for all the wrong reasons. Yes, it had its highs but now the simplicities of life, a middle part pony, less intricate protective styles, wash-hour-or-two replacing wash-days have been beckoning and there is nothing I do best than heed to that call. The attention that came with it, though not much, was responsible for offering a sense of validation and almost like clockwork came comparison and entitlement, a looser curl pattern will do the trick, longer hair will reel them in, product X will be the game changer. In the end it is just hair. 

Image.Looks aren't everything but for sure, they are something. The older I have become the more I notice that when my brows are looking scraggly and my hair is in an even more dire spot, the less like myself I feel. Believe it or not I only started being MVP contender in the brow game in the recent past, needless to say, it does serve quite the purpose. The kicker though, never in a billion years did I think that I would latch on, cling to my outward appearance even as much as I do now.

Now that we have the perception of me out of the way, let's talk about others perception of me. I am constantly questioning it. Am I too dark? Am I even pretty? I mean the short answer is, you have to think you are beautiful to know that you are beautiful because no one else can do it for you. Admittedly, it is easier said than done, especially at this time in my life which is considered my prime. The honest, yet sad truth, my overall image for the longest time has been left at everyone's disposal except mine. Everyone, at first glance, seems to be living la vida loca while I often feel like I am merely a filler in some void (disclaimer, the social media break has more or less halted the breaks on these sentiments. It feels good to be free of the invisible shackles of digital perception.)

The elephant in the room. I am the elephant. The elephant is I. Yes, I am overreacting but you want to know what isn't, my metabolism. It really isn't what it used to be. Those fifteen to twenty minute workouts don't do what they used to about 7 years ago and the 30 minute ones? Unless it is a HIIT, full body workout, incorporating the occasional weights and I am on beast mode from the warm-up to the cool-down, then I might as well have wasted 30 minutes which I will never get back. Recently, I stepped on the scale and it wasn't good, I tried on some clothes that were between a good and snug for fit and that was not good either. That is the only wake up call I needed. The upside is a lot of health conscious decisions are going to be made going forward, the downside, a lot of health conscious decisions are going to be made. Already a lot is out the window; lactose, gluten makes special guest appearances here and there but it just isn't the same. Pigging out, an old pastime has since been given the boot.

These are just some of the joys of adulting. It is triggering to realize that I have the rest of my life to continue unwrapping this gift that keeps on giving. 

 

   

 

You might want to sit for this one

There's an aroma of optimism in the air, So much so, that I have managed to see the silver lining in academic failure given that I have a solid four fails under my belt, and, having come out of one of them, well, alive I may have some nuggets of wisdom worth sharing. Surprise!  I am not an academic giant neither have I put up a front to suggest the same.

History has proven that I am in the business of taking Ls. I have suffered horrible class presentations, been what felt like the sole contributor to what was meant to be a group effort and worked on make or break assignments well past the wee hours of the morning in what can only be described as the joys and joys of seeking a higher education. In these situations, I have managed to come out with just enough to write home about other times, the level of injury, mostly mental, has been temporary and once a blue moon I come out on top. But what happens when you hit rock bottom? It is not just your fuel gauge reading E but your transcript as well.

You might want to sit for this one. Really sit with it, think about what could have possibly gone wrong, every single possibility that got you here is worth a quick ponder over. Steep in this for say a week, maybe, two. No longer.

In my experience, working through the pain of failure sooner rather than later, offers more benefits than shoving the very thought of studying to the furthest corner of my mind. For one, I have no option but to shift gear into P, for Panic early enough.

Compile your material from your first exam attempt in a bid to have a solid revision pack I am speaking to folk like me whose revision material is not central as it typically should be. Stationery becomes my bosom bud at this point; binders, dividers, flashcards, highlights, plenty of color gel pens. Order in these situations is more than welcome, comforting even. Think of it as having the vantage point with quite the view.

Map out your action plan. Whether it is to rewrite notes to give the old memory a jog, practice papers and be as specific as the tasks allow you to be, that way, nothing will be left to chance 

Get down to the real deal. You've got your plan, now, act on it. Have a schedule and stick to it. Cross off the tasks as you go.

Add on to your revision pack as you go eventually you will have a comprehensive reference point which you should know the ins and outs of. My personal goal is usually to be ready for the exam with nothing but time to spare.

I am currently in the throws of exam prep, solidifying a couple of things here and there. Though I cannot vouch for this tips to the death, why don't we compromise? Better work in progress than uncertainty, ey?  

Remembering you

I have been thinking long and hard about the trajectory of this blog. It started off with me narrating some of my less than stellar experiences, promptly followed by the lessons I learnt so that you wouldn't have to. In retrospect if I was to put a label on it, academic-lifestyle? I was on the up and up, a sense of progression. The organic progression should have been post-grad life. After all the lessons out of the classroom are far more invaluable than the ones inside. I had an audience, tangible at that, living, breathing people who visited this space, some on the regular, others, one post would have them tumbling down the literallylovely rabbit hole. A single DM here, an email there,  of someone who stumbled on this blog and thought, why not pay me a compliment.

Those really were the good times.

 The tone  has changed. Simply put, it seems I focus a lot more on what I do not have, what I am not and what I want.

Tonight though, let's revisit some of the past. Sure there is a lot I am not, but I need to remind myself what I am, and here is how you do that:

Acknowledge that you are reading a little bit too much into something that though mattering to you at that very moment, is just that a momentary thought.

Comparison may have stolen your joy. It sure has stolen some of my joy a couple of times. In these situations, I suggest have a long hard think with yourself, do you want because you want or do you want because others have?

Unplug. Remove yourself wholly and entirely from the situation that has brought about this unsettling feeling. For me, I find avoiding social media like the bubonic plague does the trick.

Remind yourself of what you like about yourself. It could be something as minuscule as drinking more water, sleeping a lot earlier, working out once a week or working out, period, or something major, like always finishing what you start or having an unwavering value system.

Find a healthy outlet to use as a sounding board. I am highly skeptical of people so I write, at least, sometimes, I do. Sometimes hearing or seeing the words stark naked in front of you offers a whole different perspective. 

Remember, you are doing nothing wrong. There is no blue print to doing life right, living it is just about enough.

Allow yourself to be (you're human, be) and question,why-them-and-not-me type thing, get angry if you must.

If these feelings do persist almost feeling like a nag, pray on it. Ask for it and brace yourself for the answer. Maybe what you want is coming your way just not at your earliest convenience.

Beyond Physical Social Distance

I have taken the plunge, for the next 21 days I will be Social Media free. No Twitter, sweet, sweet, Twitter and no more Instagram. It's been a few hours since I hit that log off button and it is safe to say that what I am experiencing now is a high, a possible adrenaline rush. The night routine is done, laundry is folded and the mythical load has been taken off.

I have found myself becoming some sort of slave to the screen. It is not an addiction at least, I don't think it is. This particular evening I found myself questioning my stance. Why do I only have X amount of followers? 341 to be exact. Why don't my posts get as many likes? Is my profile unlikeable? Does it not stand out?  The answers to these questions are actually quite easy, my posts are few and far between, my account is nowhere under the logarithm's radar. No visibility, no audience.

The big question though, why do I care? I am not looking to be some sort of social media guru/sensation.  I have remained authentic to me, from the streets to the timeline, it is the same me across the board, I figure if I like me then surely YOU (prospective follower) like me. It only makes sense, right? Wrong, dead wrong.

So, this is yet another episode of me being in my head a little more than I should. Any aspect of my life where I find myself scaling the ladder of social approval is the red zone, climbing further and further away from the comfort of me. I mean sure, on the way up there's progress here and there, hearing what I want to hear, seeing what I want to see only making myself clamour higher and higher with no summit in sight.

Slow and sure just isn't as appealing, part of the reason for the demise of my Youtube channel. The numbers next to the symbols should just be that, but somehow I have found myself swayed to the dark side, a regular player at the numbers game, yet another game where prowess is required, prowess only possessed by the chosen few.

Evidently, this is not a pleasant headspace to be in hence my reclaim over the reigns in my life. Will 21 days make everything okay? No, but it will offer a break to the ever running machine that is my mind, some perspective, a sense of clarity, control and  I will be more than happy to take all that and more, over constant doubt.

The idea will be to tap out of one vice (social media) and tap into a virtue. Be it writing on here, reading, watching, listening. Ideal living.